There's a special place in hell for people who circle the items in I Spy. Let us take a quick trip back to a memory most should have: when you were 6 years old and decided to throw up your scrambled eggs during breakfast so you didn't have to take your spelling test that afternoon, your parents had to take off work to bring you to the … [Read more...]
Statements made by your primary health doctor or your family members at Thanksgiving?
Are you sexually active? You've gained weight since last year, haven't you? I see here that you're having more than 7 alcoholic drinks a week... What are you doing about your adult acne? Why won't you accept my Facebook friendship request? Are you currently experiencing any anxiety or stress? Let's discuss what I experienced … [Read more...]
Want a good story for the Monday morning “What did you do this weekend” question?
I went to an Alpaca Farm. New York City is like a giant playground for grown adults with slight ADD and who are comfortable with a particular level of disconcerting and acknowledged filth. If you live in New York and you find yourself bored, it isn't the city's fault - that, my friend, rests solely upon your lack of curiosity. Now, you can fill … [Read more...]
Something I said about my fantasy football team or my hypothetical children?
1. Why did I sign up for this? 2. Wait, how much is this costing me? 3. Jesus Christ, did Jimmy twist his ankle again? Walk it off, you baby. 4. If you don't get dressed right now, I swear to God... 5. If I just leave them where they are and never look back, I feel like odds are they'll turn out at least mediocre. 6. They're literally all over … [Read more...]
What it’s like to be a Professional Ghost Hunter?
You quite literally could not pay me enough. So I went to the Apple Store recently to get my computer fixed. No sooner do I take my seat the Genius Bar than does my technician show up - he's a spitting image of Hagrid from Harry Potter, down to height, facial hair, gait, and demeanor. I pump the breaks on asking him to say, "Yer a Wizard, … [Read more...]
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