^ that person who utilizes their membership to sit silently in the steam room for an hour, placid faced, and staring straight ahead
- Person who emerged victorious from cuffing season, just got into a committed relationship, and now realizes that physical deterioration is a natural step in the relationship process. You see them once and never again.
- Person who decided to start running again but immediately injures their entire body and takes the rest of the year off.
- Some guy whaling on his bis.
- Endless flocks of capri spandex’ed women with their hair in top-nots, all rocking $1,000 Canada Goose marshmallow jackets. This means any time there’s a spin class on a weekend, the club looks like it’s being inundated with an army of fashion-forward Randy’s from A Christmas Story.
- The sole 55-year old man in the back row of the 7:15am Vinyasa flow yoga class. Someone doing circuits while simultaneously cleaning off a kiddie pool’s worth of Muscle Milk. You never forgot those kids who vomited milk in the middle of the cafeteria in middle school…get a safe distance away but don’t let the ticking time bomb out of your sight.
- Someone letting go of barbells and screaming like they just got a bayonet rammed into their quad. +500 points if the floor shakes. +1,000 points to those people who don’t give them the satisfaction of turning to see what Greek God caused the tremor.
- Like a vulture circling in on its prey, a guy hovering around a woman doing squats, figuring out what’s the best way to compliment her form and repeating to himself “women like a hand on their lower back”, “women like a hand on their lower back”…
- Someone with a knit cap cranks the treadmill up to 10 miles per hour, stands on the side checking emails for a few minutes, then turns the treadmill off, and retreats into the sauna.
- A sleeveless* man. *confidently sleeveless
- Another guy with massive NASA-grade headphones also whaling on his bis.
And in congratulations for completing the Best Butt Ever! class, a feat of true athleticism, proceed to refuel with an amalgam of all of the below: