No, Our Substituting Your Selection of Totino’s Pizza Rolls for Cauliflower Rice Wasn’t Malicious but Yes, We’re Just a Bit Concerned
^ me, staring at my screen while refreshing my browser, waiting for a delivery window to pop up
For your privacy and protection, please confirm your identity by answering the following security question:
On Saturday, April 25, 2020 you ordered:
[x] 40-piece “Salmon Extravaganza” Sushi Platter
[x] Four (4) Rotisserie Chickens
[x] 1-pint of Creamy Queso Chorizo Dip
[ ] Cauliflower Rice
Thank you for confirming your identity. And being honest with us.
Please let us know which of the following appropriate substitutions you were satisfied with
[ ] Instead of Salt & Fresh Ground Pepper Kettle Chips, you received Veggie Straws
[ ] Instead of White Claw Seltzer, Mango (6 pk), you received Ensure Nutritional Shake, Strawberry (40 pk)
[ ] Instead of a single Chilean Sea Bass Filet, you received the last 14 pounds of Tilapia that we’ve been trying to get rid of for months
[ ] Instead of a bag of Shaved Brussels Sprouts, you received 3 cans of Baked Beans
Because you elected to take this survey, please select one of the following for your next guaranteed delivery window that will be credited to your account:
[N/A] Friday 5-6pm
[N/A] Saturday 9-10am
[N/A] Sunday 9-10am
[ ] Your delivery will be left, partially open in order to tempt rodents, in the middle of a parking lot somewhere in Queens, on a day of the week that either starts with a ‘T” or an “S”, at a time of the day when the sun is highest in the sky, keeping your groceries nice and warm
Would you like to repent to us for your:
[ ] Threatening legal action against Amazon, claiming this is all a money laundering front and there are actually no groceries at all
[ ] Threatening legal action against Amazon, claiming constantly having items disappear from your saved cart not only goes against the legal definition of “grocery cart” but is also causing you severe psychological harm
[x] Taking advantage of the Amazon Customer Service Representative, using them as both a therapist and a living, breathing human who is contractually obligated to interact with you
[x] Forcing delivery workers to ride their bikes around in 35mph winds and driving rain so that you can get your LaCroix since you’re clearly above drinking New York tap water like the rest of us peasants
To better your experience next time, would you like us to:
[x] Physically grope every avocado in the store to ensure it is within 48 hours of perfect ripeness
[x] Never substitute anything, ever again with assorted flavored yogurt
[x] Admit that this whole operation is run by the same government agency put in charge of issuing the government stimulus checks
Well good news, you may be able to tone down the alcohol delivery a bit…see below for my favorite to-go cocktail bar crawl in downtown Manhattan, plus a handful of other spots churning out to-go drinks. So go out and enjoy open container laws being null and void for as long as you can!
Stop #1: Extra Virgin
Located on idyllic West 4th Street, Extra Virgin is offering a solid line-up of cocktails plus their entire food menu right from the sidewalk.
Things nearby: Stroll by Carrie from Sex in the City‘s house on Perry Street, the house that Alexander Hamilton died in at 83 Jane Street, and Aaron Burr’s house at 17 Commerce Street.
Stop #2: Dante
Recently named the best bar in the world, Dante is whipping up Aperol Spritzes, Martinis, and all their signature Negronis-on-tap for both takeout and delivery. The menu is long and varied, with many choices coming in adorable glass bottles.
Things nearby: Do some quality people watching in Washington Square Park or lazily stroll the cobble stone streets in Soho (namely Greene and Mercer).
Stop #3: Anejo TriBeCA
Get some roadside tacos and guac and wash it all down with Añejo’s signature margaritas. Both Tribeca and Hell’s Kitchen locations are offering 16 oz and 32 oz sizes for pickup and delivery…but let’s be real, grow up and get the 32 oz.
Things nearby: On the way to Dudleys, walk through what was 5 Points, my favorite 19th century shit show to talk about ad nauseam.
Stop #4: Dudley’s
On the Lower East Side, Dudley’s is serving up its quality sips including the Orchard + Broome (Tequila Reposado, Blood Orange, Spicy Cayenne, Agave and Lime) and, thank god, Espresso Martinis.
Things nearby: Go stroll either the Manhattan or Williamsburg Bridge, both equidistant and nearby.
Other spots to hit…
In Chelsea, Patent Pending is offering their customer-favorite cocktails for pickup and local delivery – with a free bag of chips (one way to outsmart the food rule)!
At their East Village, Nolita, and West Village locations, The Garrett is serving up large formal cocktails in 750 ml bottles, all ready to serve – just pour over ice!
At any of their locations in Midtown, NoMad, Lincoln Square, and the East Village, The Smith is offering to-go cocktails in adorable instagram worthy jars.
On the Upper West Side, Jacobs Pickles has their entire selection of signature cocktails, like the Brine Margarita and Frozen Pickle Painkiller available for both pickup and delivery. A nice Central Park to-go drink, perhaps?
On the Upper East Side, Ethyl’s, the 1970’s dive you should experience someday, is keeping the party going with plenty of booze to-go. There is a limited bar menu so give them a ring and see what the bartenders can make for you.
In Fidi and Murray Hill, Hole in the Wall is offering their happy hour specials for delivery and takeout, including Lager for $5, wine for $7, and Mimosas and Cucumber Margaritas for $8.