Bemelmans Bar in the Carlyle Hotel
As many in the world dive into Dry January, the time of the year when other’s deafeningly silent egotistical health kicks cast a crescendo of shame over your martini habit, plunge friendships into turmoil as the fundamental cornerstone is removed, and pour gasoline over the already-smoldering post-holiday despondency, let’s imbibe in a conversation concerning cocktails at one of New York’s most legendary bars – Bemelman’s on the Upper East Side.
Now before I paint myself as a life-size molotov cocktail, I did not go to a hotel bar by myself, have five spirit-forward cocktails, then re-emerge into society, newly and highly flammable. I’ve been passed off as one of the chosen few with a high tolerance, which I quip is because “I’m Irish”, like it’s some type of predisposed medical condition innate to all descendants from the island. But five cocktails is the danger zone for me. The Revolutionary War will undoubtably be discussed, I’ll sloppily toss my hair up into a mental asylum bun, and narcolepsy will be imminent. So three of my friends joined, we kept it to three drinks each, only spent 30 minutes discussing cults, and nothing too regrettable was texted to those who have scorned us.
Bemelman’s is one of New York’s institutions that is a trip back in time to old school New York while keeping alive modern day prices. The hotel piano bar is lined with rich leather banquettes and vintage murals from the Madeline books, the low gold-painted ceiling plays off the dining space dotted with shaded lamps atop round tables, and a piano is postured presumptuously in the middle of the room. 70% of the patrons look like Liza Minelli and the collective amount of botox administered to patrons renders the room an interactive Madame Tussauds. It’s not a place you go to feel young and alive, but instead to feel like you’re a deserved first class passenger on the Titanic and can casually toss around Ferragamo ties like CVS receipts.
Now before I hit my fourth manhattan and go off on a hairpin tangent making you all relive the Battle of Thermopylae, my thoughts on our cornucopia of cocktails:
The Complimentary Bar Mix – asiago cheese wafers, salt-and-vinegar chips; possibly the most addicting nut mix in Manhattan
Before diving in, a moment to consider the burden placed in these three silver bowls. These frontline soldiers shoulder crippling blows of straight gin sloshing around in an empty stomach; airy crisps of asiago are tasked with stopping the stomach from becoming a pressure cooker, roasted-then-spiced nuts beg you to not start crying, and perfectly balanced salt-and-vinegar chips calmly remind you that he was a narcissist who wore a signet pinkie ring.
Grade: 1600 on the SAT
Eartha – The Botanist Gin infused with pink peppercorns, Noilly Prat, Sea Salt, Fresh Fennel, $28
If you ordered this drink…
What is the soundtrack to your evening: sirens in the distance growing increasingly louder
Your contribution to the conversation: your childhood traumas and why they’re stopping you from finding love
You habitually lie about: your mental health
You ordered ___ for an entree: an uber home
Drinks like a: solid punch in the face
Grade: B+
Bobby’s Manhattan – Santa Teresa 1796 Rum, Carpano Antica, Cherry Herring, Scrappy’s Orange Bitters, Angostura Bitters, Dry Gypsophilia, $30
If you ordered this drink…
What is the soundtrack to your evening: having everyone lift their glasses for a cheers then giving your own State of the Union address
Your contribution to the conversation: tax havens
You habitually lie about: your tax havens
You ordered ___ for an entree: the closest animal to becoming endangered on the menu
Drinks like a: leather bound book about colonialism
Grade: A
Ludwig’s Bunny Negroni – Siete Misterios Doba-Yej Mezcal, Mancino Chinato, Rinomato Aperitivo, Ancho Reyes Green Liqueur, Chili Pepper, $28
If you ordered this drink…
What is the soundtrack to your evening: an anthology of Pitbull’s greatest hits on repeat
Your contribution to the conversation: an unsolicited dissertation about how you don’t think humans are meant to be monogamous
You habitually lie about: graduating summa cum laude
You ordered ___ for an entree: knowingly, the thing that may actually kill you from heartburn
Drinks like a: white collar crime
Grade: A+
The Essayist – Drumshambo Gunpowder Sardinian Citrus Gin, Pear Liqueur, Rosemary Syrup, Lime Juice, Grapefruit Juice, $27
If you ordered this drink…
What is the soundtrack to your evening: muffled background conversation because you’re on TikTok the majority of the time
Your contribution to the conversation: asking everyone their astrological sign then cutting them off during the first syllable with a slack-jawed “I knew it”
You habitually lie about: your lip fillers
You ordered ___ for an entree: the sushi roll that is lathered in spicy mayo and only has fried shrimp inside
Drinks like a: war flashback to being 23 in the trenches of a basement dance club at 4am
Grade: D
Espresso Martini – Stoli Vanilla, Kahlua, Fresh Espresso, $25
If you ordered this drink…
What is the soundtrack to your evening: your internal screaming
Your contribution to the conversation: the last question your therapist asked you that made you cry
You habitually lie about: the last time you had sex
You ordered ___ for an entree: this cocktail
Drinks like: liquid adderall
Grade: B
The real secret to Bemelman’s: they give you a generous side car with any manhattan or martini, which essentially makes it the city’s most deliciously dangerous BOGO deal.