A case against the eternal damnation of chicken nuggets
While no disappointment in my life will be quite as grave as the incorrect valuation of Beanie Babies, the disappearance of complimentary toys with meals starkly marks when dining went from Happy to Sad. What we lost in the sophistication of a plastic Chicken McNugget wearing a cowboy hat, we gained in calorie counting diaries and the untimely death of our metabolisms. We went from counting how many pieces were in our McNugget to counting Macros, the latter of which requires the concentration of a Vegas Card Counter and the psychosis of a serial killer. But what if the world worked together to make meals Happy again…
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The box:
In an ideal adult Happy Meal, the cardboard Happy Meal box would fold out into a reasonably sized rent-controlled studio apartment.
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The toys:
Inside your Adult Happy Meal of Serrano-wrapped-pollack with sun golden tomatoes and okra would be another smaller adult meal of dry rubbed scallops with grilled corn and blueberries.
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At Chipotle, with the purchase of any meal, you would receive a meat spoon and all the associated weighty powers to wield such. No longer would the quality of your meat rest in the hands of another. This magical instrument, which determines the quality of your burrito, now would sit in your palm; delivering you the authority to half scoop, three quarters, full scoop, or attempt the savage double scoop.
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I know what you’re thinking, “I already added bacon and a poached egg, how can my Avocado Toast get any happier?!” Please enjoy your Happy Meal toys of Prosecco ice cubes and wasabi-flavored seaweed, neither of which are meant for consumption.
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I know what you’re thinking, “I already added bacon and a poached egg, how can my Avocado Toast get any happier?!” Please enjoy your Happy Meal toys of Prosecco ice cubes and wasabi-flavored seaweed, neither of which are meant for consumption.
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As we all remember Space Jam, the most 1990s creation ever, LeBron James’ inevitable next step in a desperate attempt to redefine himself in the wake of the Golden Gate Empire will assuredly manifest itself in Space Jams 2, which will result in Anthropomorphic female Bunny figurines made to look like the Kardashians because that’s the NBA trend as I understand. And yes, this will be the toy you receive with your McRibeye.
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Additional toy ideas to be rolled out once Chick-fil-A in midtown recovers from that spotty Grade C health inspection:
1. A package deal of entitlement complex, apathy and narccissim
2. Airplane friendly duo-bottle of Ibuprofin and Claritin-D
3. One more year on the family plan
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l’estudio cafe‘s Fried Egg Breakfast sandwich with pork jowl, jalapeno salsa, slaw & avocado
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Mr. Donahue’s $19.99 One-Main-and Two-Sides Meal of: Rotisserie Chicken; Asparagus Almondine with brown butter vinaigrette and almonds; and the Watercress Salad with strawberries, avocado, almonds and poppy-seed vinaigrette
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Hemlock‘s Sunchokes with lime and turmeric
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Nur‘s (not the most aesthetically intriguing but INSANELY good) Smoked Eggland Carpaccio with fire roasted eggplant, feta, raw tahini, dates, pistachios, and rose water
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Nickel and Diner‘s Roasted Maitake Mushrooms with poached eggs, heirloom ratatouille, melted provolone, and fine herbs garlic butter
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ROKC‘s Tomato/Clam with mezcal, tomato, clam and wasabi served in a conch shell
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Gilligan’s Frozen Watermelon Margarita with tequila, fresh watermelon, combier, and lime
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Bessou‘s Beef Kakuni Hash with poached eggs, hashed garlic potatos and karashi
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Miss Ada‘s Hummus (with warm chickpeas and marjoram) and Baba Ganoush (with ginger aioli, eggplant chips, and zaatar)