The Not-Infamous-Enough Gino’s Belt Crawl
^ This pilgrimage should be mandatory for anyone who wants to get a New York State license
I genuinely fear what future generations will find of ours and give far too much credence in being an accurate representation of our existence. On that note, I rewatched the first three seasons of Jersey Shore recently in somewhat of an anthropological study, as 16 years have passed since it first aired. So both out of nostalgia for the past and a hint of morbid curiosity as to what else beyond our Facebook Statuses hasn’t aged well since 2009, I dove in headfirst and found:
- There is a medically alarming amount of steroid usage, tanning beds, binge drinking, questionably consensual sex, group hot tubs, and a high concentration of hair spray used in confined spaces that no one seemed to question during or after filming.
- Women were regularly called hippos and grenades and there was just an overarching sentiment of primal misogyny.
- Sammi and Ron walked so that Kim and Kanye could run.
- This was a rare time in the infancy of reality TV – before social media, influencers, and self-branding – where no one had a promotional agenda. Everyone was unabashedly themselves seeking no personal gain, the only self promotion was maybe Pauly’s DJ career.
What I did leave the show feeling was a jealousy for the close-knit, tribe mentality of Italian Americans. From the religion of Sunday Sauce to the real-life “when you’re here you’re family” hospitality, I found myself wishing I could be Italian.
To scratch that itch in a horrifying way, Frances and I decided to attempt the Gino’s Belt, an infrequently discussed organic route of different Gino’s pizza parlors, wrapping around Prospect Park from Flatbush to Park Slope. Based upon the classic one-bite grading system, please enjoy our strangest crawl to date and my desperate attempt to find a home in the Italian community:
Gino’s Pizzeria at 831 Flatbush Ave
Price: $3
Grade: 3/10
Takeaway: The rapidly congealing grease pooling in the center of the slice should’ve been our first red flag
If this pizza was a (blank), it would be…
Sentiment: Haunting but not so much to completely to abandon it
Person: Dog the Bounty Hunter
Song: Cotton Eye Joe
2025 news story: Katy Perry going to space
Dating red flag: They use 2-in-1 shampoo
90s toy: Furby
Gino’s at 548 Flatbush Ave
Price: $4
Grade: 6.5/10
Takeaway: The crust here tasted exactly like what you would think building insulation foam tastes like, otherwise a fine slice
If this pizza was a (blank), it would be…
Sentiment: It should be good but for some reason, something about it feels off
Person: Timothée Chalamet
Song: Every Pitbull song
2025 news story: Duke getting knocked out of the Final Four
Dating red flag: He religiously listens to the Huberman Podcast and critiques your life based upon Huberman’s teachings, all the while not realizing that Huberman is just Goop for men
90s toy: Ouija Board
Gino’s Cucina at 723 Washington Ave
Price: $3
Grade: 5/10
Takeaway: This is decently acceptable middle school pizza party pizza, nothing more, nothing less
If this pizza was a (blank), it would be…
Sentiment: As expected
Person: The woman your twice divorced uncle met the week before on Plenty-of-Fish and decided to bring to Thanksgiving
Song: The 7th time you hear “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” in a wedding season
2025 news story: Everyone doing 23andMe 10 years ago just to confirm their family came from Ireland and now their genetic material is being sold to China
Dating red flag: Being obsessed with Christopher Nolan movies
90s toy: Doodle Bear
Gino’s Pizzeria at 218 Flatbush Ave
Price: $3
Grade: 7/10
Takeaway: There was a physical altercation in the bathroom while we were there that no one else seemed remotely alarmed by, which distracted us from any formal evaluation of the slice
If this pizza was a (blank), it would be…
Sentiment: Unfortunately, the best option you have available at the moment
Person: Walton Goggins
Song: The White Lotus season 3 theme song
2025 news story: Drake making everyone feel a bit better about their own year
Dating red flag: You exchange numbers and his first text is in a green message bubble
90s toy: Moon shoes