SparkNotes for the 9 circles of Holiday Hell
First Circle (Limbo)
You still have to sit at the children’s table as a 29 year old woman, even though you are an unpredictable liability for the optimism of an 8-year-old soul who believes he or she is limitless. Upside, you will finally learn the magic of the fidget spinner, there are crayons and you’re safe from societal expectations.
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Second Circle (Lust)
Everyone in your family decides to give you relationship advice. How gently and easily they seem to throw around, “So are you dating?” I got my flu shot, can detect ambiguity, keep a dental appointment and finally can maintain eye contact while holding a conversation – get off my case, Steven. Also you’ve been divorced three times and now I’m really never going to accept your Facebook friend request.
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Third Circle (Gluttony)
Your uncle asks you if you’ve gained weight while he’s eating a barn trough of turkey, stovetop stuffing, sweet potato pie, baked beans and literally 14 rolls with individual pads of butter. This is a rough one – wash that down with a few glasses of Merlot/NyQuil (in moderation) to avoid crippling self-loathing.
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Fourth Circle (Greed)
Someone bulldozes to the front of the line and takes all the dark meat. Or scrapes all the mini marshmallows off the top of the sweet potato pie. (see: domestic terrorism)
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Fifth Circle (Wrath)
Aunt Karen has a complete emotional breakdown because no one tried her homemade cranberry dressing; apparently people preferred Aunt Judy’s store bought Cranberry Sauce a la Can. Those uncultured peasants.
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Sixth Circle (Heresy)
Cousin Jessica starts going mental because there’s no gluten-free stuffing. Damnnit, Jessica, it’s called filter feeding. Just stand there and breathe air; that’s your gluten-free stuffing.
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Seventh Circle (Violence)
Your indignantly liberal uncle has baited your staunchly conservative aunt into a political debate and before you know it, the room has split into warring factions, Game of Thrones style. Uncle Charles just told Vegan-Cousin Beth to go outside and graze on the lawn, Aunts Judy and Karen are strangling each other over 30-year-old bad blood for getting married two months apart and Uncle Pete is on the porch chain smoking a cigarette.
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Eight Circle (Fraud)
Members of your family actually, truthfully, and whole heartedly subscribe to conspiracy theories and discuss them ad nauseam. And then they have the nerve to ask why you haven’t brought someone home/if you have a drinking problem.
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Ninth Circle (Treachery)
Someone refuses a second helping because they’re on a diet. That deceitful player must immediately take three shots, sit on the last step of the carpeted stair case in the basement and think about the choices they’ve made leading up to this moment. Thanksgiving dinner doesn’t end when you’re full; it ends when you hate yourself.
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When this is all over, cheer up. You get to do it all over again in just one month. In the meanwhile, you can detox with the below non-turkey options:
Seamore’s Fried Avocado Benedict with poached eggs, harissa, seared scallops and shrimp
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Kiki’s Strapatsada…so scrambled eggs with chopped tomato, feta and oregano
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Virginia’s Burger with Cabot cheddar, vidalia onion marmalade, an organic farm egg and bacon
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Banter‘s Thyme Mushroom Toast with whipped citrus ricotta, chives, sourdough toast, a poached egg and a caramelized balsamic glaze
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Chikarashi‘s Goma Shoya Tuna Poke Bowl (that’s a mouth full) with bluefin tuna, goma shoyu, chili oil, nori, hijiki, avocado, and garlic chips
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For those who get crippled by gluten yet desperately crave carbs, Tali has an amazing all gluten-free Italian spot in Kips Bay. Roasted Butternut Squash Penn with sage, brown butter, pecorino and toasted pumpkin seeds
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49 Monroe‘s borderline offensively large portion of ridiculously good Seafood Paella
Allan’s Breakfast Club‘s Croque Monsieur with Ardeche ham, Comte cheese, and mushroom bechamel on sourdough bread
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The Wayland‘s Crispy Cauliflower
marinated in chilies,
fried then tossed with cilantro;
served over herbed jalapeño yogurt
marinated in chilies,
fried then tossed with cilantro;
served over herbed jalapeño yogurt
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Loring Place‘s Cheddar Waffles & Eggs with smoked ham and cherry pepper hollandaise