How Historians Will Reflect Upon Our Generation
Disclaimer: the below is written under the assumption that the overwhelming majority of the female population did not, in fact, die off following the-collective-“her” stating, “I’m Dying.”
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The year is 3017. While in 1st grade I was nose deep in a Berenstain Bear book learning morals from animals that could murder me, I only assume that in fast forwarding 130 years, 5 year olds will be dissecting societal flaws from prior generations while learning how to code on a paper-thin, space age tablet, whose screen still completely shatters if the device feels uncomfortable because you touched it a bit too rough for its liking.
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While my only wish for the children of the future is that they learn about the American Revolution and the Founding Fathers, there will be a chapter about this circus we’re currently embroiled in and I believe society will be painted a little something like this:
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“During the 2010’s arose the second wave of cat worshipers, an acute feline obsession that has not been observed since the height of Egyptian Power.
In the early 2020’s, society entered what is widely accepted as the Second Dark Ages, with gluten allergies, nut milk dependence and general Vegan tendencies acknowledged as the modern day Bubonic Plague. Some blame it upon the residual effects of 6 too many seasons of Jersey Shore; scientists are now looking into a never before explored chemical reaction that occurs when Kale and MDMA (see also: Molly) react in stomach acid causing the victim to lose ‘the ability to even’. It’s been said that early sufferers attempted primitive self medication, with the likes of Avocado Toast, Bud Heavy, and Sriracha. These Dark Ages heavily stunted the rising tier of economic and political leaders in this generation bracket, as most rested upon Justin Bieber’s laurels until Blue Ivy came of age and was able to assume her position of power in the Illuminati. This can also be accredited to the fact that 98% of the population had heavily incriminating social media histories, with a least one recorded ‘like’ for a meme that hurt someone’s feeling (see also: delicate snowflake syndrome), nullifying their ability to hold office.
Due to an event the government blamed upon a ‘massive solar flare’ – which we all know was an alien encounter most likely summoned by Amanda Bynes’ Twitter account – we aren’t exactly sure who was controlling things in the United States during the 2030’s, but historians are confident it was either Kris Jenner or Minions.
When in the 1960’s the masses were enlightened to the fact that cigarettes are actually bad for you, similarly in the 2040’s the generation of early millennial Crossfitters discovered themselves ‘joint-less’ once it was too late; yet even at their very end, they were still able to do a Burpee and a Box Jump into their coffins, fueled by pride and joyless paleo pancakes.
In the 2070’s, while most of the retired population were still in debt due to overindulgence in Soul Cycle and cold press juice during their most productive adult years, the elderly population was still able to sleep easy at night due to the complete contentment in knowing they had at one time possessed a Snorlax and a Mewtwo, allowing them to win a savage Pokemon Go battle against a foreign 8 year old on a street corner in Time Square.”
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While I try not to think about what my own lineage will assume when they look back at the slightly nonsensical path I’m carving in the back woods of life, for everyone else who takes an average diner breakfast spread, throws on a Ludwig, amps up the Structure, gives it a pop of Warmth, tones down the Saturation, aggressively Vignettes and Sharpens the yolk ever so lightly…may our mouthwatering Monets supersede our physical presence.
Sunday in Brooklyn‘s Malted Pancakes with hazelnut maple praline and brown butter
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Kiki’s Saganaki: pan-seared crispy phyllo sesame encrusted kefalograviera cheese drizzled with honey and lemon
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B&H Dairy‘s Lox Omelette with home fries and two massive pieces of buttered challah…ALL FOR $9.50 (!!!)
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Tuck Shop‘s Massive and Amazing $6 side Kale Salad of Dreams, dressed with their secret lemon tahini dressing, golden raisins and sunflower seeds
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Nickel and Diner‘s Roasted Maitake Mushrooms with poached Eggs, heirloom ratatouille, melted provolone, and fine herbs garlic butter
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Dizengoff‘s Maitake Mushroom Hummus with an egg
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Cookie DŌ‘s Signature Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough in a cone
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Market Ipanema‘s Avocado and Cashew cream Savory Tapioca Crepe with chia seed and roasted tomatoes for only $5 (better than a footlong, imo)
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4 Charles Prime Rib‘s American Cheeseburger with a farm egg and bacon, which is REALLY just the exact replica of the V famous Chicago’s Au Cheval Burger