SYLLABUS DECEMBER 2019
Instructors: The Matrons of the family
Location: Your relative’s home in the suburbs that’s had no work done since 1992, notably including: the basement that still has the ping pong table and shag carpet memorializing the faint must of beer, driveway to see what Uncle Jerry wants to show you in his trunk, and bathroom for extended periods of time to escape the minefields that are 80% of conversations held.
Description
This abbreviated, 5-hour course has the weight to morph your family’s perception of you as this will be an in-depth analysis of your life. Assessments will continue amongst instructors in the weeks following via text and taper with the start of the Bachelor, Season 24. Areas that will be addressed: who makes the most money, nominal weight fluctuations, relationship status, ability to produce an heir, what your thoughts are on your cousin Nicole’s protein shake pyramid scheme and if this means she’s on drugs. While all relatives under the age of 40 will be formally assessed, significant others and unknowing friends who were invited under the guise that this would be a nice holiday meal may also be reviewed.
Organization
From the minute you take off your jacket to the moment you’re putting it back on as Aunt Janice insists your face would look less round if you parted your hair differently, be prepared for a relentless onslaught of publicly-posed, deeply personal questions ranging from your thoughts on your own fertility to how you’ll be voting in 2020. All questions will influence overall ranking, as low standing may relegate your seat in the dining room, risking demotion to a folding chair in the foyer.
Objectives
- To create a definitive ranking of all children
- To conclusively judge the compatibility of children and their significant others
- To make unrealistic postulations about everyones’ timing for producing grandchildren
Course Topics
- The risks of pregnancy as one gets older
- Politics
- Is your vegan evangelist cousin in a cult
- Everyone’s hairline
- Income
- The #metoo and it’s validity: a “I can’t believe we’re debating this” debate
Required Supplies
While the instructor has explicitly told you “please don’t bring anything, your presence is a present in and of itself”, if you show up without alcohol, food, a plant, or a Precious Moments figurine, you score will be heavily penalized
Grading Plan
Providing answers to all questions: 45%
Your actionable fertility: 20%
Openness with discussing your sex life: 15%
Your “optional” offering to the instructor: 10%
Your attire: 10%
Best of luck in this course. While you have done this before, graduated to more adult tables, had the good fortune of being able to liquor yourself up to cope with the rampant sexism from some older males in the family, remember more is expected of you. More meaning grandchildren and not to be the one person requesting gluten-free, paleo, non-allergenic, raw, diabetic, vegan alternatives.
Dishes you can have this month to remind yourself that you have good taste before endless casseroles made of wet vegetables:
