i.e. Liz-Cries-in-Public: Broadway Edition
Give me Bourbon, a Sparkly Taco Purse and a Musical about the Founding Fathers or give me Death.
One second, just phoning a friend: WHERE DOES LIFE GO FROM HERE.
Ok, I’m back. Hi, I’m Liz and I have this strange infatuation with the American Revolution – more so, the Founding Fathers – that manifested itself late in life. I’m very well aware that this is not cool at all, but at least I’m upfront about it instead of suppressing such and leading a double life, e.g. secretly doing historical reenactments on the weekends. *crickets*
If you’ve spent more than 30 seconds with me in the past few years, I’ve probably played the not-so-subtle victim card and told you that I hadn’t seen Hamilton and then waited for you to coddle me. A few weekends ago, one of my best friends Sara was in town from Chicago with three extra tickets to Hamilton and for the first time in my life, minus that one time I got double guac for free at Chipotle, I felt like I was on Oprah’s Favorite Things show. Hamilton has more hits than Drake and has created more love triangles than the steamy rapper, as a girl dumped her boyfriend for trying to give away their tickets. As she should, that’s worse than adultery.
To set the stage, emotionally none of us were prepared for this evening. So for this month’s five favorite things, we’ll discuss the five emotional stages you will experience if you sell your soul to the Devil and view this theatrical masterpiece.
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Stage 1: “The Home Alone Airport Scene” Level of Anxiety
So after few Manhattans and classy tater tots in the Knickerbocker, we realized the show was going to start in 20 minutes and we were a massive human obstacle course away from the theatre. Akin to the airport scene in Home Alone, we were dead sprinting through Times Square, throwing people’s elbows and finishing moves to everyone in our war path.
Conspiracy theory from Carolanne for the general populous: What if the character actors are truly rats in costumes?
Stage 2: The Realization of What is Currently Happening.
So I went with three of my best friends, meaning it’s physically impossible my bachelorette party will even come close to measuring up to this. Please zoom into this picture and see how dilated everyone’s eyes are. Men reading, this is what true ‘crazy eyes’ look like.
2 of 4 of us are already cried at this point
Stage 3: Accelerated Heart Rate
My heart rate was hovering around 160 bpm, a solid 120 jump from my resting, which the last time this happened was that one time when I worked at Starbucks and had 12 shots of espresso in 4 hours and thought I was going to die in my Volvo Station Wagon from heart palpitations. To most accurately replicate this sensation, please ingest everything from the below shelves.
Physically didn’t know what to do with my hands/face/entire body at this point.
Stage 4: The Intermission Bar Scene
Since any responsible attendee was measuring their price per minute of this show, even if you function at a 1st grade math level you know that a bathroom/bar break will put you ~$50 in the hole. Unfortunately, this turned the intermission rush to the bathroom into a scene scarily similar to any of the lifeboat scenes from Titanic.
What I can tell you about the Richard Rodgers Theatre Bar is that my entire social existence in New York has been training, ultimately leading up to this moment where I confidently signed the dotted line for double makers with soda in a souvenir glass for 40 dollars.
Stage 5: The Shock of Reentering Society
You know how they say people transitioning back from volunteering in a third world country for multiple years come back to the US and are completely sickened with the widespread, gluttonous consumerism exhibited by the masses? SAME.
Leaving that theatre, I was reminded how most Americans do not regularly appreciate the Founding Fathers and the sacrifices given by every Patriot who fought or is fighting for our country.
If you can’t get into Hamilton anytime soon, give yourself an American History Tour of NYC, practice some alternate Alexander Hamilton appreciation, or pick up a solid read.
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Life is honestly downhill from here.
So much so that I’m probably just going to wait in the car during my wedding.