Fruit on the Bottom, Threat on Top!

 I’m sorry, fridge theft is in fact a form of terrorism that was not discussed by either candidate in the fall of 2016. Americans everywhere are stuck in a game of office Clue. little did you know, it was Karen the account manager – for whom you graciously stopped pressing the “close door” button on the elevator and risked your limb in the jaws of death so she could take her sweet time as your life was delayed 2 minutes – who savagely took a hatchet to your throat as she shamelessly downed your 2% Fage yogurt with honey on the side and “STEVE” sharpied on top.

Back to the figs; who steals figs? Figs are a most strangely fascinating and erotic shaped fruit reserved for individuals in nursing homes or people with similarly geriatric palettes.  I actually qualify, as my favorite candy is black licorice and I solely drink bourbon neat, my spirit animal being a 90-year-old Vietnam Vet. Second, stealing 80% of something and leaving the remaining 20% “in case no one notices” is as subtle as an Irish Exit attempt from your own wedding. While stealing a Hoagie is markedly less barbaric than Grand Theft Auto or murder, there is a special ring of Dante’s Inferno reserved for those Neanderthals who think it’s normal and hygienic to finish off mysterious half eaten BBQ ribs or fondle every ice cube with bare hands.

While I like to think this audience is full of reincarnated Founding Fathers and people who are only a few degrees of separation from Beyoncé, I sadly realize that at least a handful of you are quivering whilst reading this, stymied by the irony of it all as you sheepishly shovel into your mouth a half of a container of General Tsao’s Chicken named Kevin.  Here’s a PSA: the Office Fridge is as much of a cesspool as a Six Flags Lazy River. The best office emails – besides those “accidental” reply-all’s – are the “we’re cleaning the office fridge out on Friday.” Darn, you mean we have to say goodbye to that sandwich that looks and smells like it was made with cat food and has molted into a diorama of a vegetation scene? And that Simply Limeade® that has so much mold that it’s questionably a Kool-Aid-Man-Test Tube Baby? Maybe on the off-weeks between fridge cleans, we can focus on the microwave that looks like 40 hot pockets detonated in it and smells like Chef Boyardee’s corpse? Just a friendly sweeping note to the masses: please refrain from heating fish in the microwave. Even if you sneak out of the kitchen and eat it at your desk, we all know it was you. Just please stop heating up fish.

So since our politicians and HR representatives are allowing this all too real Hunger Games to lead us to the brink of anarchy, what’s the solution?  Do we hire someone with a blow dart to lurk in the supply closet with a clear shot of the fridge, authorized to send a bear tranquilizer deep into Chad’s neck as, with a cold sore laden full mouth grasp, he takes a swig of Chelsea’s organic Macadamia Nut Milk? Do we ready the handicapped bathroom with a trio of Temple Guards from Legends of the Hidden Temple, eager to mow you down and drag you to an HR fate worse than Olmec if you touch Karen’s Tuna Salad from a week ago? Nanny cameras? Ghost Chili Peppers? Arsenic and then search for the body? How do we stop these soulless human vacuum cleaners?

Word to the wise, specifically anyone who works with me: if you see any of the below in a to-go box with my name on it and if you take my food…if you are looking for random, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have is very violent hanger; hanger I have acquired over roughly two hours. Hanger that makes me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my food go now, that’ll be the end of it – I will not pursue you…but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you…and I will kill you. (Credit: Liam Neeson.)

Meanwhile, my lunch will be in this box until further notice

Dimes Deli‘s Egg Bowl with a chickpea and kale stew, quinoa and alfalfa sprouts

Little Cupcake Bakeshop‘s Banana Nutella Cake

El Almacen‘s Avocado Fries

Kiki‘s ridiculously amazing greek salad and some equally delicious dip. Both had authentic Greek names that I clearly don’t remember so just ask your server and he or she will steer your in the right direction

Sobaya‘s Cold Udon Noodles with fresh uni and grated mountain yam

Coco and Cru‘s Green Bowl with broccoli, spinach, kale pesto, ancient grains, avocado, poached egg and smoked salmon

Left Bank‘s Iron Roast Split Chicken, with salsify, shallot & roast garlic jus

Soft Swerve‘s Ube flavored soft serve (Ube, for 98% of you scratching your head, is a purple yam) with toasted coconut