Reader Beware, You Choose the Scare
BEWARE!!
DO NOT READ THIS NEWSLETTER FROM BEGINNING TO END!
It’s 11:30am on a Sunday and you’ve just arrived at the groggy state of consciousness that can only follow a night of drinking. You’re hungry, but you don’t possess the physical wherewithal to hold your torso upright. The emotional wherewithal to engage in conversation and the mental capacity to curtail your violent ADHD is too much right now. Mustering all your strength, which equates to that of a child with polio, you retrieve your laptop to order food. Shit, you also you need toilet paper. It seems you have misplaced your judgment last night, along with your credit card and some other redeeming life qualities! What if the seamless estimate goes beyond the 75 minutes quoted? Do you clip the coupon and get an industrial sized container of fabric softeners delivered twice a month to save $4? You must order a 12-pack of everything because it’s such a good deal!
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This anxiety ridden adventure of first world problems is all about you. You decide how inconveniencing the situations will be! If you choose well, you’ll prove that survival of the fittest doesn’t exist anymore. But if you make the wrong choice..BEWARE! SO TAKE A DEEP BREATH. CROSS YOUR FINGERS. AND TURN TO PAGE 1 TO GIVE YOURSELF GOOSEBUMPS!
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Things get side tracked and you end up in a two hour long internet black hole that starts with “is cheese actually bad for you” and ends with a full synopsis of the Panics of 1837 and 1873. Consider the plight of our forefathers while you burn sandalwood and jasmine incense and sit in a nest of pillows like an exotic cat. Post a picture from last night for validation of your meager footprint on the mortal world. Go to your fridge full of completely acceptable options for sustenance.
Attempt to use flames to cook something on Page 16
Open Seamless as your ancestors roll in their graves on Page 17
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You want Panda Express but also want to look like Gigi Hadid. Fate is a cruel mistress. You decide to go through Seamless and add anything intriguing then decide; 20 minutes later, your cart looks like the catering menu options for a Chuckie Cheese birthday party. You remember that your metabolism self-destructed years ago, and it’s even worse than your ability to tolerate hangovers. Open Amazon. Search “tummy fat blasting cleanse chocolate taste good fast” and subscribe to some unmarked, barely-tested powder that legally can’t be shipped to 24 states.
You decide to buy from an ethical company so wait 5-7 business days then turn to Page 34
Combine shipments to limit your carbon footprint and turn to Page 36, but only if you read this in the next 7 hours and 14 minutes
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Your phone starts freaking out and you think it’s a text, but it’s just a notification for an Amber Alert nearby. Ugh, why is it so loud? You pray quietly for the missing child, stopping to think if you’ve ever dated anyone with a red mustang the child was last seeing get into. Ignore it. Open instagram because you’re already there and #musclememory. The picture you posted 49 minutes ago has only received 36 likes. That’s a conversion rate of 1.36 likes a minute, which for this time of day is mortifying. Immediately question your self-worth, your creative genius, and the quality of the company you keep. Delete the post. Dissolve into a puddle of shame.
Continue this existential crisis on Page 52
Scream at Alexa on Page 53
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You give up on achieving anything notable in life and commit to your mere existence as a men’s XL grey sweat-pant clad recluse. Your new aesthetic can best be described as if Quasimodo was a fraternity brother and has been standing in front of a leaf blower for the past three hours. Since you’re craving something dripping with butter, but still on the healthy scale, your skewed judgement responds with “mussels.” You find the one place that delivers mussels and order immediately. Three hours later, you come out of your butter coma in a hazy dream – did you really have all of that tequila last night? Was that shot really on fire?
The End.
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49 Monroe‘s ridiculous grilled mussels with a house-made olive oil lemon vinaigrette and a side of french fries. This is clearly a seamless-able meal…praise the Lord
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Good Thanks‘ Blue Bowl with banana, pineapple, coconut, o3 majik algae, collagen, kiwi, blueberries, pomegranate and granola…with a side of house-made banana bread
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Quality Eats‘ Crab and Avocado
with jumbo lump crab, cilantro, and citrus
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Osakana‘s Spicy Tuna Donburi with cooked tuna, tsukemono (house-made Japanese pickled) seasonal vegetables, and okaka (bonito flakes with sweet soy sauce), all over seven grain rice
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Cafe Mogador‘s Moroccan Eggs with two poached eggs, spicy stewed tomato, roasted potatoes, and pita bread
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Bocce‘s Pepperoni Pizza with pepperoni, tomato, aged mozzarella, pecorino, oregano, and pickled chilis
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The NoMad Hotel‘s Bay Scallops, marinated with yuzu and pistachios
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Ruffian‘s Corn Soup with fried clams, fennel, and basil
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Karasu‘s Whole Mackerel, salt grilled with an herbal salad
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Coco & Cru‘s Green Savory Bowl with broccoli, spinach, kale pesto, ancient grains, avocado and a poached egg