Title applying for: Breakfast Sommelier

Salary + Benefits requested:

• Whatever Gordon Ramsey shows on his tax returns, we’re going to need to match that
• 401K matching; full health and dental (things you learn when you’re an adult: teeth cleanings cost $200 a pop); a private amazon prime locker; an adult babysitter/maid who will keep my life in order, mainly match my socks and get my duvet inside of my duvet cover; immunity against uber ratings lower than 5.0

Applicable Skill Set:

• I eat 4-6 eggs every morning and to anyone who gets in my way, I calmly tell them “my stomach is filled with eggs” and then they realize I am not a woman to contend with and they quickly concede
• My food choices abide by the perfect ratio of superficiality – 75% because it looks cool and 25% because I could be the first of my network to post about it
• Excels at filtering Yolk mid-drip
• Only does box jumps at the gym to get ready for impromptu aerial food shots

What you your bring to the position:

• As a true expert of my craft, I would enforce that all breakfast foods consumed under my tutelage be photogenic and contain no less than two whole avocados
• I understand every last crumb is at risk for being photographed, and even when that’s not the case, the pinnacle of Instagram-able food is an achievement greater than producing an Ivy League bound child
• For the good of mankind, breakfast buffets would be banned. They are dangerous in exactly the opposite way of a loaded gun. One minute you’re covering a kilo of cholesterol in butter and syrup; next thing you know, it’s 7 hours later, they’re switching to the dinner buffet, you have a plate of lemon piccata chicken in your hand and are in line at the ham carving station

References:

• My parents, who are rational people and have an avocado toast station in our house, complete with olive oil drizzle and chili flakes
• The griddle chef at B&H dairy, who calls me Princess and knows not to put onions in my lox omelet
• My college cross-country coach, who can attest to my tenacity as I turned the most non-contact sport into UFC on foot

Portfolio: Please see below for my recent work

Upstate‘s Seared Diver Scallops on mushroom risotto

The Wayland‘s Milk & Honey featuring burrata, unfiltered extra virgin olive oil, raw honey, smoked pepper and sea salt

Mimi‘s Artic Char Tartare (say that 5 times fast) with wild strawberries, caviar, and creme fraiche

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Little Collins‘ super underrated Roasted Chicken and Squash Salad with lentils, arugula, yogurt and sumac…and a fried egg

Seamore’s Shrimp and Short Rib Taco with potato puree, chimichurri, and roasted garlic aioli

Dimes Deli’s Spring Salad with market greens, zucchini ribbons, cucumber, feta, mint, and basil vinaigrette

Jajaja‘s Vegan “Chorizo” Burrito with whatever magic they do to make this dietary bomb vegan and presumably healthy (?)

El Rey‘s Kale Salad with almond vinaigrette, a pickled egg, avocado, and chilled diablo chicken

Sunday in Brooklyn‘s Grain Bowl with toasted barley, spicy vegetables, kale, egg, avocado, sambal and black cod

The Spaniard‘s Sausage, Egg & Cheese with a biscuit, sage sausage, scrambled eggs, and pickled jalapeño