^Me, on the other side of your Food Request Text
While the main intention of this newsletter is to generate business, a major side effect of my food porn has arisen in the form of people asking me for restaurant advice. I have no one to blame but myself because I use this as a food diary, cyber therapist, and a justification for my questionable google history. I love giving recommendations but sometimes I get satanically jealous that others are going to places I want to go and have to curtail these responses:
I’m meeting my boyfriend’s parents for the 1st time Sunday – brunch place with no wait?
Well I can assure you that the bodega on my corner has zero wait and salmon so farm raised that it’s most likely raw chicken breast, pumped with Red #40 and thin sliced. People only order this who are from a foreign country and think all New York bagels with lox and cream cheese are created equal OR are inebriated.
I’m taking out a girl from bumble, where’s a non-date-y, cool bar to go to?
Ah chiverly. BUY HER A STEAK. Plan B – propose going out on Saturday, keep delaying the time, at 12pm suggest Hotel Chantelle, use her to cut the line, then grind to smooth Drake beats and embrace the organic start to modern romance.
Hey! I’m planning a birthday dinner and thought you may know a great group spot!
Thank you for the invitation. I know there is a Rainforest Café in Jersey that seems to do well entertaining large groups; Chuckie Cheese is a fan favorite and you may snag a deal with how many individual Tombstone microwavable pizzas you order.
I want to instagram a cute place where I’m studying. Where should I go?
Get a Kmart lawn chair and park yourself in the character lane in Time Square. Or go to any bench within Port Authority and fully immerse yourself, preferably near Auntie Anne’s. That place is a level from Dante’s Inferno; I would throw you a like out of pity for whatever situation put you in that living hell.
Now that’s out of my system, here are the places you should be hitting this month:
Two Hands Restaurant‘s smashed avocado on sourdough with charred scallions, jalapeno, pepitas and lime
Coco and Cru’s Green Bowl, with broccoli, spinach, fried kale, kale pesto, ancient grains, a poached egg and obviously avocado with bacon on the horizon
Russ and Daughers Cafe‘s Babka Ice Cream Sandwich; for $7 you get two slices of their homemade chocolate babka sandwiching a hockey puck of their homemade chocolate babka ice cream
The PokeSpot‘s Avocado Bowl, where you can throw protein, two toppings and a sauce on a half of an avocado for $6.50
Baby Brasa‘s Peruvian Rotisseie Organic Free Range Chicken with Aji Amarlillo Salsa, Rocoto Salsa and Pickled Pineapple Daikon with sides of Yuka Fritas, Arroz con Choclo, and Lentejas
Ice & Vice‘s collaboration with Kossar’s Bagels & Bialys birthed this limited-edition ice cream sandwich made from two black and white cookies, Basic B ice cream (Mexican vanilla, black lava sea salt) and everything bagel seasoning
Olmsted‘s ridiculously amazing and unbelievably delicious carrot crepe, with little neck clams and sunflower
The Wild Son‘s Burrata Tartine, with
fresh burrata, homemade jam, extra virgin & sea salt, and the Green Tartine, with avocado, herb yogurt, red onion & market sprouts
Cupcake Market‘s hand painted Kim Kardashian Cookie…BECA– USE WHY NOT
Arepera Guacuco in Bushwick cranks out SUPER authenic arepas (and if you know me, you know my feelings about arepas) – cheap ($6-7), filling and insanely delicious. We got:
Reina Pepiada (shredded chicken mixed with avocado)
Pernil (pulled juicy pork shoulder with spices and cheddar cheese)
Pabellon (shredded beef, white salty, cheese, sweet plantains & black beans)
Guayanes (white mild-creamy venezuelan cheese)