two words: night terrors
Before the creators of The Purge and Family Guy brought us Fortnite, during a time when people wrote paper checks like pioneer men and women instead of venmo’ing like a tiny spaceships, when chicken fingers shaped like dinosaurs classified as exotic cuisine, when grinding was a dance form that transcended both age and level of sobriety, success versus failure was mapped out across a winding linear track of 134 rainbow squares.
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Candyland was supposed to be the game that lowered us slowly into the cruel realities of the life. Absolute worse case scenario, you had to spend a turn with Gramma Nitt in her peanut brittle house. Meanwhile, Monopoly taught you about foreclosures, poverty, and serfdom. Twister bore everyone’s early sexual awakening. Guess Who taught us gender, age, and ethnic discrimination. Jesus, in Operation you literally killed people like they do in SAW movies. However, in retrospect, Candyland was subconsciously teaching us life’s toughest lessons and harshest realities. So if I ever have children, this is how the rules will be taught:
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Welcome to your first extensional crisis. These will occur in greater frequency as you age and really become part of your daily rollercoaster of emotions past 30. Since there are no dice, chance is eliminated and the game is fixed from the start with a shuffle of the cards- you’re proceeding down a single path, independent of luck, effort, or passion.
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Yup, the winner has already been decided; welcome to the absurdity & inevitability of life.
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Please stop pouting about being stuck in the Gooey Gumdrops. Just wait until you’re entrenched in the monotony of paying bills, going to work, fighting the constant fight of weight gain, and trying to sleep 7 hours – gumdrops will look pretty great.
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So it look’s like you got stuck with Lord Licorice for a round. He’s a sadomasochistic perv but please try to ignore him. Unfortunately you’ll hear that prior sentence a lot in life, my child.
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Free will? Next time Mom gets up to suck down half of the easy mac congealing on the stove, quickly comb through the deck, find Queen Frostine, and throw her in where your next turn is. It’s not cheating, it’s manifest destiny. Never ask for permission; only forgiveness.
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Ugh, stop crying – I know you’re stuck in the Molasses Swamp with Gloppy but someone has to eventually draw your card to release you from this pergatory. Just try not to grow more bitter and frustrated as the world passes you by. Alexa, what is molasses exactly?
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You just completed your first lesson on being a graceful loser in a situation that you had no control over. Always remember, fate is a capricious hussy.
^side note: the original glitch in the matrix, look closely because they’re holding hands WITH THEIR LEFT HANDS
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So following the path below…oh you drew one yellow square, looks like you’re stuck on Princess Paella…
49 Monroe‘s Seafood Paella with saffron rice served with prawns, mussels, and calamari
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The Hidden Pearl‘s Crispy Rice with Spicy Tuna, jalapeno, and sweet soy
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Simon and the Whale‘s Striped Bass Crudo with shiso, puffed rice, and coconut milk
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Dominique Ansel Kitchen‘s What-a-melon soft serve with sweet watermelon soft serve sorbet and dark chocolate “seeds” served in a hollowed out watermelon slice
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Egg Shop‘s Everything to Me with scrambled eggs, smoked salmon, roma tomato, fresh dill, and horseradish cream on an english muffin
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Two Hands‘ Zoe’s Market Plate with two eggs, avocado, watercress, roast tomato, sweet potato, beet relish, and quinoa
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Voyager Espresso‘s Iced Latte – make sure to stay and drink it in-house for this sweet set up
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Charley St‘s Say Hi to Kale with kale, signature butternut coconut spread, wild rice mix, roasted sweet potato hash, apple slaw, and walnuts
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Pheasant‘s Roasted Octopus with nduja peperonata, labneh, potato, and arugula
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Le French Diner‘s Seared Scallops with onion, soubise, and market greens