Many moons ago, we discussed animal migrations and how we are a lazy and terribly useless species. Some four ounce bird is killing itself to fly 44,000 miles over open ocean twice a year to ensure it has food in the summer and winter while our civilized culture becomes utterly barbaric and falls into complete disarray with anyRosé or Pumpkin Spice Latte shortage that shines down onto our blessed existences.

So let’s use some mental floss and pretend that tomorrow morning you wake up, squirm around in your sheets until you somehow slither off of your bed, turn to your phone so one stranger can hand deliver you a bagel then another stranger can cart you from point A to point B in their Honda Civic, when *SURPRISE* Mother Nature paid society a visit overnight and there is no Uber, no Seamless, no Tinder/Grindr and on the whole, things have gone pretty primal. Seeing it’s October, in order to survive the winter and have people to mate with, we have a classic red pill vs. blue pill situation on our hands and it’s either migrate or hibernate.

Since the most able-bodied individuals in the world are millennials who believe that all food and beverages consumed should be photogenic and contain no less than two whole avocados, a quick pulse check would probably give us a very high hibernation rate. I can only imagine the first location of ruthless anarchy would be the Trader Joes’ frozen food isle because nothing spells responsible stockpiling like frozen pot-stickers and speculoos cookie butter.  Equinox would quickly strip down their billboard of a 40ft chiseled abdomen that derides your occasional love of carnitas and swiftly plaster, in the Spartan torso’s place, Guy Fieri making love to a steak and cheese sub while starting Episode 1 of Game of Thrones (sticklers to the hypothetical situation, Netflix survives the apocalypse; this isn’t Hell). As for mating, expectations of a person’s beauty would revert back to the medieval ages. Without FaceTune to warp our adult acne and years of coffee stains into a less colorful version of Kylie Jenner, the Limbo battle between your ego and your expectations would truly see how low each can go. Instead of having a rolodex of every available individual in a 100 mile radius, you’d probably be forced to choose from the people in your building. For me, that means 3 rent stabilized people, 1 of which may be in an iron lung; so yes, sign me up for the sugar daddy with the $300-a-month rent.

Ok I’m cutting this chain of thought off because there’s no logical end in sight. Seeing as I would go with option two, in the event this fantasized reality occurs, I’ll be in a down comforter cocoon, blasting this New Age Music playlist that they probably use in Sandal Resort bathrooms, and will have garbage disposal’ed the below:

Vivi Bubble Tea LES‘s Ferrero Rocher Nutella Nitrogen Ice Cream Cone

Kura‘s torched Anago (eel)…not pictured, the rest of the cast of Finding Nemo that was consumed and v delicious

Autre Kyo Ya‘s House-Smoked Salmon & Hash Brown Potato with a poached egg, creme fraiche, chives, and mixed greens

Union Fare‘s Birthday Cake Croissant

Bohemian‘s Uni Croquette

Loosie’s Kitchen‘s Waffle Croque Madame, a few Salmon Eggs Benedicts and Baked Eggs with Pork Meatballs, clockwise from 6 to 3

Kiki‘s Grilled Octopus

Two Hands Restaurant and Bar‘s Brassicas with charred broccolini, brussel sprouts, kale, hummus, soft boiled egg, avocado, pickled shallots, seeds and beet cured salmon

Madison Square Eats’ Meltkraft‘s the Brielle, with brie, cranberry chutney, onions and pine nuts

Jalapa Jar‘s The Height’s Breakfast Taco with crumbled bacon, jalapa-infused scrambled eggs, jalapeno-garlic mashed potato, on either a corn or flour tortilla, topped with chopped cilantro, shredded cheese, diced jalapenos and served with a side of jalapa jar salsa