“The murder was bloody, sure. But so is flossing your teeth.”
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Never turn down a listing opportunity, they say. But what if the cards hand you the most terrifying sales listing ever?
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“I see we have a packed open house. Please everyone, come right in and welcome to this psychologically traumatizing home listed under market. Don’t mind my co-agent; she’s just locking the doors. The goal is to stay alive until the morning and whoever makes it to breakfast wins the bid and the Weber grill out back. Sort of like a game of Top Chef. This house has two lovely hedge mazes, only one has an escape. The other leads to a sculpture garden where some bloodthirsty butler was apparently buried. Oh, please make sure to sign in.”
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“So this really is a quiet neighborhood besides that little situation that happened a few years ago here. And ‘horrific double murder’ is a huge overstatement that the newspapers used just to sensationalize the story. Please pay no attention to that, it was merely a disagreement. Pure scuffle. So you may occasional feel the pressure of two hands wrapped around your neck and you *may* experience some degree of rapid 40 degree temperature swings but I promise, no termites, known leaks or plumbing issues.“
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“So I’m going to shoot you straight, this property is pretty haunted. When you shower, occasionally blood will come out of the faucet so I would stick to under 2 minutes and mainly cold water only. Trust me, this is saving you money in the long run. This is basically an amenity so you’re welcome. The previous owners apparently were dragged out of their bed by their ankles on a fairly regular basis so you won’t have to worry about hitting snooze anymore! The property does tend to lose all wifi and cell signal haphazardly – during those periods, enjoy the release from the constraints of the world and stay away from the overgrown swimming pool.”
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For a mere $1.9 million dollars, you can own the entire 62-acre ghost town of Johnsonville, a small subset of the East Haddem, Connecticut. Founded in the 1800’s, this sprawling, eerily empty estate includes semi-neglected Victorian homes, a general store, post office, restaurant, mill, pitch dark covered bridge and verified paranormal activity.
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Travel a few miles outside New York City and you’ll find sitting on six acres of land a completely abandoned 57-room mansion, complete with indoor tennis court, bowling alley, two bars and a library. The mammoth home was constructed in the 1930s; later in the 1970s, it was purchased by an owner who was known to buy lavish mansions and leave them to rot. As he did in this case. So all that’s left is a hauntingly disturbing home…
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Something else terrifying:
Think that new iceberg the size of Delaware is alarming? The New Yorker reported earlier this year that 50% of Silicon Valley Billionaires have purchased “Apocalypse insurance”. Last month, Forbes discussed where the richest individuals in America are making massive land grabs, due to an eventual hypothetical polar shift. Meanwhile, I’ll be escaping into the Atlantic from Chinatown on a giant Pegasus inflatable, armed with Almond Milk, a party sized container of hummus and my $20 Black and Decker screw driver.
*googles how to join Jeff Bezos’ cult*