Would’ve saved my parents a lot in insurance premium increases
^Every shooting star you see at night is a racer falling off Rainbow Road
Fortnite concerns me as an adult woman with no children who just so happens to follow a lot of NBA players and rappers that I know are playing. Judging by the fact that you would think I bet the mortgage to my parents home on the Celtics winning the NBA Finals in 2019 (lol jk, Mom and Dad, but just make sure your tax dollars are going to Gordon Hayward’s hGHs) and I listen to more rap than a 16 year old New England Prep School boy who just got his license – yes, I’m worried about residual Fortnite effects on my malleable soul.
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Then I started to think about the effects of our childhood’s arsenal of video games…
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The Sims
– Grappling with the constant feeling of overwhelmingly crippling jealousy when you have to watch someone else do something you want to do (and you obviously can do better)
– If you’re short on money, let someone die and then sell the tombstone: home grown efficiency and unabashed heartlessness, courtesy of the Sims
– Having a 18 room home with 20-acre manicured lawn and olympic swimming pool is all fun and games until you have to clean – I’ll stick with my 400 square foot apartment, tysm
– Donald Trump may or may not think he’s playing the Sims IRL right now
Pac-man
– You’re relentlessly pursued by ghosts
– Occasionally eat some fruit
– Take special pills daily keep ghosts at bay
– A true expression of hunger and fear
– There always seems to be a constant wail of sirens
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Grand Theft Auto
– It’s ok to be a terrible driver but do it with conviction and the terrifying assurance of immortality
– Men are awarded points for groping women while avoiding the bouncer’s attention
– Had a hard day at work? On your way home, run over some people and steal their money
– Grand Theft Auto, Real Life: try and find a non-metered, weekday, business hours parking spot where you can stay for more than 2-hours
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Mario Kart
– It’s ok to be a terrible driver but under the auspices that if you fall off the road, a small turtle in a cloud will fish your car out from wherever and give you another life
– Oh sea turtles are going extinct, eh? Because humans are hunting them, eh? KARMA
– As girls, you had one female choice and she was an entitled blonde who screamed a lot
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Super Mario N64
– The love story we all should aspire to emulate: a massive dinosaur who has legions of minions kidnapped a princess and her only hope is a short, fat plumber who never says whole sentences…a story that more people have enjoyed than Hamlet
– Women cause problems and are completely useless in helping themselves
– Beating this game was arguably one of my greatest accomplishments to date and should be accounted for on my Linkedin – getting through Rainbow Ride alive was harder than passing ochem
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Pokemon
– Promotes obsessive compulsive kleptomania
– How is placing small animals in pocket-sized balls not an animal rights violation
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Snake via the 1997 Nokia
– Not even Adderall could not summon or replicate this level of focus
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Oh were you one of those gifted children who learned a translatable skill like cooking? My parents recognized my liabilities at an early age and open flames were one of them. So while I appreciate my peers who were Top Chefs: Juniors for their below contributions to this world, you should see me hit a virtual clay disk with a plastic Civil War gun…
Jajaja‘s Crispy Chayote Fish Taco with hemp and flax seed battered chayote squash, chipotle almond butter, and pickled red onion
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Cervo’s Monkfish with mussels, fennel, and basque cider
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Win Son‘s Big Chicken Bun with fermented tofu mayo, herbs, and pollo bao
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Dudley’s Norwegian Eggs with smoked salmon, ciabatta, and hollandaise
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Simon and the Whale‘s English peas with shrimp, lardo and mint
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La Pecora Bianca‘s Tagiatelle with beef and pork bolognase
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The Hidden Pearl‘s Fried Chuka Idaho (aka fried baby octopus)
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MeMe’s Diner‘s Chili Oil Fried Egg with greens, yogurt, peanuts, and seeded chili oil
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L’Atrusi‘s Spaghetti with garlic scapes, chilies, and parmesan
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Esme‘s Crispy Polenta with spring vegetable ratatouille, roasted shiitakes, and parmesan