Your Adventure Awaits You
You know what I miss? Theme restaurants.
For the sake of time, we’re going to glaze over the discussion of the Hard Rock Cafes and Planet Hollywoods of the world and go straight for the jugular and talk about the Rainforest Cafe, because I have #feelings about it.
The rainforest cafe was once poignantly and accurately reviewed as “a bit like an acid trip without the comedown.” No where else in the world can you eat platters of coconut encrusted, previously frozen shrimp in the company of animatronic elephants and gorillas, misting waterfalls, Sea World size fish tanks, and much-too-regular thunder storms. Only at the Rainforest cafe can you scare the crap out of your children then drop an unavoidable >$300 on gift store objects that will hold their attention for 4 minutes (like these super inappropriate toys), disappear shortly after, then haunt you later in life by jamming the track on your car seat adjustor or clogging the vacuum. Rainforest cafe really goes for the gold though; legally, the waiters are called “safari guides”, bartenders “navigators” and kitchen staff “trailblazers. I kind of wish I worked at one just so I could put “Safari Guide” on my Linkedin and run with it during interviews. As much as I love the restaurant, I have my issues with the franchise. It’s just not real enough for me. I feel like part of the restaurant should burn down by the time my entree comes. I want poachers to come out of the kitchen, throw two or three members of my Safari over their shoulders, and take them away, into the swinging doors. I feel like most people wouldn’t really care if their poached friends came back. I know there’s a rainy season in the Amazon, so please bring out a Power Washer and hose down the table with the largest majority of diners on their iPhones. Spice things up with a Legends of the Hidden Temple challenge: throw a silver monkey on the table for us to assemble. Completion is rewarded with a Bloomin’ Onion; failure is met with temple guards who drag you by your ankles out to your minivan. I like my meals with a healthy dose of anarchy.
Because this unfortunately doesn’t exist, direct message me to invest in my largely conceptual Jumanji themed restaurant, menu being some cornucopia of the below:
Cherry Point‘s Butcher’s Cut Steak Frites Au Poivre served with a side of garlic aioli
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Paulaner Bavarian Restaurant‘s House Cured Salmon, on rösti with a poached egg and creme fraiche
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Off of The Boilermaker’s Midnight Pancake Menu (offered from midnight through close), S’mores pancakes with marshmallow batter and chocolate sauce
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Epistrophy Cafe‘s Burrata with arugula, snap peas, sea shoots, pine nuts, traditional sardinian crisp bread and avocado
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Raines Law Room‘s (counter clockwise from the purple drank): the bramble(beefeater gin, lemon juice, simple syrup, muddled blackberries, shaken and served over crushed ice), something with gin and then something else with bourbon that was Manhattanesque, IDK
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Barn Joo‘s Uni Bibimbap, served cold with kimchi, roasted seaweed purée, crispy quinoa, salmon roe, capelin roe, and raw egg yolk
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The PokéSpot‘s killer Poké bowls with literally everything because unlimited toppings means literally all of the seaweed salad
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Ess-a-bagel‘s v standard egg and cheese sandwich. Which looks better than I do most days so there’s that.
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Taiyaki‘s fish shaped waffle cone (of sorts), with custard, soft serve, sprinkles, caramel and mochi
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Post Office‘s steak tartare with warm bearnaise sauce and cassava chips