The game where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. That’s right, the points are kinda like Canada.
Seamless Order:
2:17am. Order placed at [Times Square Restaurant Chain]: [Your jersey number in popwarner] orders of [the first thing in Tupperware you see in your work fridge], [number of times you can juggle a soccer ball] sides of [thing you over-ate in your college dining hall], and an entire [where you’re currently storing your winter clothes] of [way to cook something (past tense)] [animal that lives in the ocean].
Dating App Profile Blurb:
Forget first names, feel free to call me [your first AOL screen name]! Don’t be nervous, I won’t [action verb] [emoji] [emoji] [emoji]! I’m an active participant in [historical era] reenactments and take pride in how I look in a [past Halloween costume]. If you’re a fan of the cologne “[Gatorade Flavor]” by David Beckham, I basically bathe in it every morning. No stranger to romance, I will serenade you by [wind instrument] as I show you the time of your life at [least favorite bar in NYC], where your [type of shot] will runneth over.
Email to boss as to why you can’t come to work:
I am quite sorry that I will not make the presentation to the [toy from the 90’s that people freaked out over] organization; I know I was suppose to close it by yelling “[Lady Gaga Song]!” and then handing out our gifts of [last thing you purchased on amazon prime], but I guess Sharon will have to do that in my place. I was exposed to [what you are most afraid of] after having a bit too much [finger food at a low budget event] and have been on my [piece of ikea furniture] since 3am, with severe pain in [part of body]. My [type of doctor] recommended I sit in a kiddie pool of [salad dressing] through [numbers of tacos you can eat in one sitting] episodes of [TV show from your childhood that was disturbing in hindsight]. I guess what your asking yourself is, “[David Bowie movie]?” All I have to say is, “[Taylor Swift Song].”
Linkedin Page:
Current position: [fast food mascot] at [any word or sound in All-Caps], the premier producer of [clothing item you regret purchasing in the early 2000s] owned by [non- Kelly Clarkson winner of American Idol]. Previous employment history: [first job you had], the [foreign leader] of [chain restaurant], [artistic trade] in [country in Europe], [nationality] [verb]-er. Endorsed by [Green Party politician] for [service you pay for], looking weirdly similar to [Nickelodeon character] and a botanist of [type of plant]
Current State:
I am so [dramatic adverb] hungry that I am going to [violent verb] everyone if I don’t get at least [a number between 8-9] of the below:
The Frying Pan‘s Cape Cod Lobster Roll with fresh claw meat, mayo, sea salt, cracked pepper, lemon zest, cole slaw, Old Bay fries and bacon
a
l’estudio Cafe‘s Slab Bacon with maple glaze
a
Sweetcatch Poke‘s Maki Poké Roll
a
Kiki‘s Saganaki, pan-seared crispy phyllo sesame encrusted kefalograviera cheese drizzled with honey & lemon
a
Jajaja‘s Nachos with corn chips, vegan chorizo, tumeric queso fundido, fermented black beans, spicy vegetable relish and sour cream
a
The Crabby Shack‘s Famous Crab Roll with a side of corn
a
Boutros‘ Pork Chop with spring garlic, ramps, potato, and caramel
a
The Crown‘s Thai Basil Watermelon Margarita with tequila, thai basil, watermelon, lemon and lime
a
Babu Ji‘s Colonel Tso’s Cauliflower, Indo-Chinese style cauliflower in a tomato & chili sauce