Masterchef: Millennials

Gordon Ramsey: “So typically for our grown-adult contestants, we choose a recipe that is absolutely impossible to do at home. If you do try it, it will take all day and require ingredients that are simply not available from your local grocery. There will be one item that is worth more than your college tuition and harder to retrieve than a blood diamond, and if you don’t make it through to the next round, you become an indentured servant of the network. Because the aforementioned scenario is too emotionally taxing for our delicate snowflake contestants this season and coupled with the fact that many cook so infrequently that they prefer to store shoes and important documentation in their broilers, our challenge is to ‘Make What You Would Eat At Home For Dinner If Food Delivery Was Not An Option.’

Let’s check in and see how our chefs are doing.”

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Gabe: Gabe would like everyone to know his dish will be Paleo. Gabe would also like everyone to know that he does Crossfit, Flywheel and has attended various fitness retreats. But Gabe doesn’t want to outright tell you these things; he wants you to infer it. He wants you to look at his shirtless instagrams, #dayearned food-sta-grams, massive social media throw back reminders every other Thursday to the one time he did a Spartan Challenge and think to yourself, “Wow, that Gabe is quite a healthy, inspirational, muscular slab of MAN. And he is so humble for never outright telling us that.” Gabe stares blankly at Camera 3 as he mechanically sautés Swiss chard while his bison meat thaws.  Only Gabe knows that tonight after he foam rolls whilst naked in front of his floor length mirror, he will sit in the comfort of Pretty, Little Lies and find release in a bowl of raw cake batter.

Elle: Elle hasn’t even started her dish. She just sent a Paperless Post to all the judges, a super cute little invite to announce her dish of decedent macaroni and cheese, that LBH, she wouldn’t be caught dead eating and has genuinely no idea what it tastes like. After hitting send, she spends 8 minutes and 47 seconds scrolling through instagram until she gets bored. Elle takes a selfie with a spatula, which she appears to be holding by the wrong end, and captions it “Ariana Grande meets Julia Childs”.  Note to the audience: Taylor Swfit posted a picture with Julia Childs once, the only connection we can infer. She gets 6 likes in 4 minutes so she’s happy she’s averaging more than a like a minute. Back to the evite: she’s getting worried that no one’s responding so sends out another e-vite and begins to panic, so sends personal RSVP’s through her gmail. Elle is a needy worm and the network has chosen not to pay for more screen time on her worthless cause.

Mark: Mark is in the middle of a full-blown mental breakdown and is second-guessing his life worth. (Camera pans to Mark, who is sweating with his shirt off, sitting under the prep table): “If I can’t even make Hamburger Helper, do I even deserve to live? Do I deserve even simple human emotions like love if I can’t produce the bold flavors of Crispy Cheddar Bacon Chicken? Or present any of the Italian Favorites collection of Helpers like Lasagna and Four Cheese Lasagna and Cheesy Lasagna?” Mark curls up into the fetal position, but his since he has been solely focusing on his biceps and lats the past 5 years of his life and feeding those seemingly parasitic appendages with a steady IV of muscle milk, his body weight shifts lopsidedly to his upper torso, and the camera pans away because he’s struggling to get his atrophied calves out of the air and it’s uncomfortable to watch.

Sharon: Sharon is really toeing the fine line between impressively confidant and a serial killer. The cameraman approaches Sharon’s bench and like an emotionless Lieutenant Colonel, Sharon gaze becomes rigidly fixed on the screen as she recites, “I will cook a quiche in my 100-watt bulb Easy-Bake Oven. It will be delicious and romantic. The judges will eat my Easy-Bake Oven quiche while sitting around a tiny little table like the ones in pediatricians’ office and say it is the most amazing effing thing they have ever put in their mouth.” The cameraman briskly walks off set and out of the building, as there’s a 87% chance Sharon will pull a Carrie and burn the place down when her salmonella death trap leaves her Chopped and she’ll find a legal loop hole from any responsibility due to no trigger warning of the fact that this competition does in fact have a designated winner.