Because Bringing up Voter Fraud at the Dinner Table Would Do Way More Harm Than Any Virus Could
Dear Family,
In lieu of Covid and the unavoidable political conversations that will both undoubtedly ravage our family this holiday season, I regret to inform you that I will not be joining in person this year. While I will make a cameo on the family Zoom during dessert, I will be muting mostly everyone so please see below for my absentee ballot as I appreciate the ability to remotely participate in the evening.
Regards,
Your niece/daughter/cousin/granddaughter
Family Gathering Absentee Ballot: Thanksgiving
(Non-Denominational)
I swear in absolute truth that this absentee ballot has been requested due to the disclosed reason:
[ ] I emotionally don’t have the capacity to handle Aunt Susan’s Facebook feed in real life, in real time, with zero options to unfriend or mute her
[ ] Work has been absolutely insane…no, no, I know I’ve been working remotely but…(trails off quietly)
[x] I don’t want to possibly kill some people who I’ve been saying my entire life that I want to kill
FOR THE TURKEY CARVER:
[ ] Your Paleo Keto Evangelist cousin, because solely this may distract him from detailing that morning’s 12-egg omelette and rep workout to anyone who will listen
[x] Your unabashedly conservative uncle, for while he won’t stop going on about how the election was rigged, you’ve seen him on a charcoal grill and know the man can find his way around a dead animal
[ ] Your vegan sister, because trauma builds character
FOR THE FIRST PERSON TO GET NOTICEABLY INTOXICATED:
[x] You, because you’re staying honest to your one-person, self-made game of “take a drink anytime anyone says ballots, vaccine, or mask”
[x] You, after your aunt asks you for the 14th holiday in a row, regarding your dating life, “Have you given the apps a try?”
[x] You, because there’s no way you can enter these minefields of conversations with no foreseeable upsides unnecessarily sober
FOR THE ADULT FORCED TO SIT AT THE KIDS’ TABLE:
[ ] Your conspiracy theorist uncle, who has been going off on how public schools are solely teaching children Marxism so he has specifically asked to be seated at the kids table to “infiltrate and remediate their education”
[x] Your sister, who is so blindly entrenched in her vitamin powder pyramid scheme that she cannot help herself from bullishly pitching anyone on her “Healthy Hair Supplements” if she knows they have any sort of income
[ ] Your cousin, who has been posting non-stop stories at raging apartment parties, recently of someone taking a body shot off of her, so please keep patient zero as far away as possible from everyone over 50
FOR THE FIRST PERSON TO LEAVE:
[ ] Your shady uncle, who you’re almost positive you saw on Tinder
[ ] Your shady uncle, who you’re almost positive has a second family
[x] Your dad, who left to go “check on something in the garage” right after dinner, hasn’t come back, and you just saw from out the back window is drinking a glass of scotch, sitting on his John Deere in the shed, waiting everyone out
FOR THE LAST PERSON TO LEAVE:
[ ] The new parents, who don’t want to be alone with their shrieking child anymore
[x] Your cousin’s socially inept roommate, who couldn’t fly home because his state is on a travel quarantine list and just cracked a beer as “A Christmas Story” came on, saying how he always watches this with his family Thanksgiving night
[ ] Your mom, the wine-fueled, questionably possessed, machine, who will stay up until 4am cleaning, taking all the Thanksgiving decorations down, and then clawing the Christmas decorations out of the attic, so when you wake up, it’s like you’re walking into the center court of a shopping plaza on December 24th
QUESTION 1: Purging of a Family Member From Next Year’s Holiday
Seeing last year, the family-member-who-shall-not-be-named left mid-entree to go “see a woman down the street from Plenty-of-Fish” he matched with an hour prior, only to come back 45 minutes later and graphically detail the encounter, we shall purge one family member a year in order to maintain a safe space for the potential children our parents generation are willing into existence.
[x] FOR having one less person that you don’t have to be seized with crippling anxiety by when you think about having a 1-on-1 conversation with
[ ] AGAINST making it that much more impossible to find someone who will consciously marry into your crazy family
As a registered member of this family, I attest that the above is all valid and I swear that I am not avoiding spending time with people who have both given me life and severe emotional issues that I’ll never recover from.
[x] Ugh, fine, I’ll be there.
____
Because I need to make an excuse for this mindless creative writing, I usually talk about my favorite restaurants, new places to try, date spots, etc. Seeing we’re in flux here with covid numbers picking up, some spots switching to outdoor dining, some places shuttering, we’ll pick that up next month once the dust settles. In the meanwhile, he’s an incredible breakfast sandwich from the Golden Diner in Chinatown you can get in person 7 days a week or order on Toast:
