Course Syllabus, Winter 2018
New Years Cleanse 101
Course Syllabus
Winter 2018
a
Instructor: The pressure from the waistband on your dress pants, which fit in September.
a
Course location: A rapid digression from Sweetgreen; to Barry’s Boot Camp; to Chipotle for the shameful “salad” with sour cream, cheese, guac, extra quac and barbacoa; then to your couch where you will meld into an amorphous terry cloth organism whilst watching The Office in its entirety for the 30th time in a row.
a
Length of course: Varies for the student – either you won’t make past the Jan 1 inadvertent boozy brunch nose dive into Eggs Benedict or you will sacrifice a goat to the Soul Cycle gods, denounce GMOs and dissolve into an amalgam of kale and quick dry spandex.
a
Organization: The course has a rigid start from the moment you wake up on January 1st and is like Survivor in that, the strong who can resist cheese and stomach social events sans liquor will succeed until the undefined End. Participants must be willing to succumb to withdrawals, celery, sweating in front of people at the gym that they know in some degree of consciousness, and being a general pain in the ass to go to dinner with. This course is a prerequisite for Valentine’s Day so students with relatively high standing are less likely to Augustus Gloop themselves into molten chocolate and dark liquors on that dark holiday.
a
Objectives:
– To realize how much better cheese makes scrambled eggs
– To understand how insufferable dating is without alcohol
– To become less dependent on the security blanket of high waist spandex
– To actually use a Fitbit for its intended purpose
a
Topics:
– AA – Avocados Anonymous
– How to make celery not taste like overgrown grass from the sidewalk in front of a abandoned Blockbuster in a bad part of town
– Kettle bells; Light Weight not Lethal Weapon
– Water – not the same as iced coffee
a
Course materials/supplies:
– Celery. Massive, massive amounts of celery
– A Vitamix, which you must tell 5 separate people about every day or you’re not using it God intended way
– More celery
a
Grading plan:
– Pass/Fail; once you fold from the unrealistic goals you set for yourself, you are a complete loss and do not have the option to retry said-Cleanse until 2019.
60% – telling others about your cleanse
20% – your proportion of spandex to shown-skin
10% – your sensual/safe ratio of your squatting form
5% – ignoring the nutritional value of hummus
5% – spending $40 for a 45 minute cycling class but making sure to venmo request your friend for the $2 vitamin water
a
Please expunge yourself of all of the following meals prior to starting the course:
Shuka‘s Fried Halloumi with spiced yogurt
a
El Rey Annex‘s Smoked Salmon Toast with horseradish labne, capers and soft herbs
a
Golda‘s Charred Broccoli Rabe and Zhug with sweet potato and fig tzimmes
a
Old Rose‘s Vodka Pizza with Burrata and Basil
a
Rider‘s Grilled Arctic Char with almond butter, sprouted lentils, garlic, yuzu koshu
a
The general ambiance at Sisters in Brooklyn
a
El Cocotero‘s Miss Venezuela (guasacaca, avocado and tomato) and the La Dayana Mendoza (shredded beef, grated white cheese and sweet plantains)
a
Selamat Pagi‘s Pumpkin Coconut Curry with seasonal vegetables, kabocha squash, thai basil, coconut, pumpkin seeds and rice
a
Minnie’s on Clinton‘s 1/2 Cooked Salmon with pickled & marinated vegetables, salsa verde, lemon chips and turmeric oil
a
Prune‘s Fried Oyster Omelette with remoulade sauce