People who belong to Equinox in January

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^ that person who utilizes their membership to sit silently in the steam room for an hour, placid faced, and staring straight ahead

  • Person who emerged victorious from cuffing season, just got into a committed relationship, and now realizes that physical deterioration is a natural step in the relationship process. You see them once and never again.
  • Person who decided to start running again but immediately injures their entire body and takes the rest of the year off.
  • Some guy whaling on his bis. 
  • Endless flocks of capri spandex’ed women with their hair in top-nots, all rocking $1,000 Canada Goose marshmallow jackets. This means any time there’s a spin class on a weekend, the club looks like it’s being inundated with an army of fashion-forward Randy’s from A Christmas Story.
  • The sole 55-year old man in the back row of the 7:15am Vinyasa flow yoga class. Someone doing circuits while simultaneously cleaning off a kiddie pool’s worth of Muscle Milk. You never forgot those kids who vomited milk in the middle of the cafeteria in middle school…get a safe distance away but don’t let the ticking time bomb out of your sight. 
  • Someone letting go of barbells and screaming like they just got a bayonet rammed into their quad. +500 points if the floor shakes. +1,000 points to those people who don’t give them the satisfaction of turning to see what Greek God caused the tremor.
  • Like a vulture circling in on its prey, a guy hovering around a woman doing squats, figuring out what’s the best way to compliment her form and repeating to himself “women like a hand on their lower back”, “women like a hand on their lower back”…
  • Someone with a knit cap cranks the treadmill up to 10 miles per hour, stands on the side checking emails for a few minutes, then turns the treadmill off, and retreats into the sauna. 
  • A sleeveless* man. *confidently sleeveless
  • Another guy with massive NASA-grade headphones also whaling on his bis.

And in congratulations for completing the Best Butt Ever! class, a feat of true athleticism, proceed to refuel with an amalgam of all of the below:

Stonefruit Espresso and Kitchen‘s Fall Salad that was some mess of kale, pears, radicchio, and an orange powder that looked like Cheetos dust…delicious regardless
Cafe Clover‘s Smoked Salmon Pizzette with smoked salmon, dill, greek yogurt, and fried capers
Jajaja Mexicana‘s *entirely vegan* Nachos with chorizo, fermented black beans, turmeric-nut queso fundito, spicy vegetable relish, and sour cream
Shoo Shoo‘s Marinated Eggplant in parsley, garlic, and lemon served on tahini with one soft-boiled egg 
Hartbreakers‘ *vegan* Picnic Basket Sandwich with fried chik’n, seitan bacon, cheddar, creamy slaw, pickled red onion, and mondo sauce on a sesame seed bun
West~bourne‘s Sunset Grains with wild hive farm grains, almond butter, maitake mushrooms, kale, and chili oil

The Nomad Hotel‘s Crudite with raw vegetables and chive cream
Charley St‘s Tahini Time with quinoa, tahini, signature butternut squash spread, roasted brussels sprouts, roasted sweet potato hash, roasted cauliflower, and walnuts
Dirt Candy‘s *vegan* Korean Fried Broccoli, which is incredible and qualifies as crack
Dirt Candy‘s *vegan* Korean Fried Broccoli, which is incredible and qualifies as crack