The Spooky Way in Which Dating Mirrors Real Estate
^ A buyer whose non-negotiable is that the property has to be a new build condominium but keeps sending over coops dripping with character because they want a bit of “charm”
Sex or Real Estate in the City?
Episode #101
“At the End of the Day, We’re All Just Looking for In-Unit Laundry”
Regardless if you’re a long-time Sex and the City fan or a recent adopter, it’s impossible for a New Yorker to not have at least one quintessential SATC moment during their time in our fair city. Akin to groupings like the Spice Girls and Friends, we all have our favorite character we try to cherry pick and contort our personality into the mold of so we can proudly present ourselves as “a Samantha”.
Aside from the wardrobe, the relentless main character energy, and the unexplained financial wherewithal to live in the West Village on a writer’s salary, no one wants to be the Carrie. She’s a lousy friend, an average writer with a pathetic pun selection, has no backbone with toxic men yet treats the respectful men poorly, is always the victim, and she relentlessly slut shames our most cherished reverend mother, Samantha Jones. While Carrie is the protagonist, one of the most gutting truths you learn as an adult is that, in fact, she is the villain.
Which it is why I strip Carrie down to her dating advice when I say that it was in the last year that I realized real estate agents are inherently “the Carrie”. The sheer number of times a week I’m explaining the cold hard truths of one’s home search and am hit with a flashback to saying almost the same exact thing to a (crying) total stranger in the women’s bathroom of a dive bar at 2am is comical. I am shocked there hasn’t been a viral Venn Diagram overlapping all the endless advice that pertains to both dating and real estate.
So this month we’re going to deep dive into all the ways that you can and should approach your real estate search in the same as you did or are approaching your dating life. I acknowledge this is all easier said than done and it’s not a “snap your fingers” implementation but hopefully these lodge into your mind in a cheeky way and give you another avenue to tackle your home search.
LIZ (voice over)
“I couldn’t help but realize: the ease with which people overlook the inconveniences of a spiral staircase is almost as alarming as the willingness of some to ignore the ominous read flag that is men who talk about their desire to have children like a rancher talks about mass breeding cattle for profit.”
^ buyers trying to tell me that they’re confident they will find a fully renovated, 3,000 square foot loft in the West Village that is also a full amenity Condo and has low monthlies and a garage
So please come along we me as we go through some common real estate mindsets and and relate them to similar dating outlooks, a both fun and deeply haunting self-exploration exercise!
You can’t have it all
Everyone has their must-have’s, would-like’s, can-tolerate’s, and deal-breaker’s; the achilles heel for many (both looking for their home and person) is unfortunately, we can’t have it all. Those who accept this are much more successful in the market than those who think their search is “different”. The most devastating stance one can have is not being realistic with what’s possible with the inventory and passing up on excellent homes in anticipation for a unicorn that doesn’t exist. Some of this means what is tangible in your price range. I would love to nab Travis Kelce just as much as I would die to have a gut-renovated, floor-through, penthouse, duplex loft with a fully-outfitted private roof deck on Greene between Spring and Broome in Soho but there are honest limitations to our dreams.
What I see a lot is a failure to accept that some of our must-haves are inherently tied to some of our deal-breakers; some of the things-we-dream-about are only accessible with aspects-that-are-a-headache. While some of these are changeable (and with some work, fixable!), others are not. For example, certain neighborhoods are primarily coops so if you want the neighborhood, you’re probably not getting a condo. Some areas are historic districts or aren’t zoned for taller structures so as much as you may want an open view with radiant light, it’s not happening there. Brand new buildings are great but if you’re looking for innate charm and sprawling prewar floor-plans, you won’t find those in hyper-efficient new builds. I could keep going but I tell buyers that we all have our wish list and we hopefully get about half of it. Every apartment we see will be a different iteration of half of those things and the process is about finding which of those things you truly prioritize and of the ones that don’t make the cut, which you are ok with leaving behind. Same goes with dating quite often!
The best people/places sometimes need a little work
The phrases “has good bones” and “lipstick on a pig” can apply to both real estate and people comically. This is all to say to not blindly dive head first into something that is aesthetically perfect and doesn’t need any work done to it and immeditately turn your nose up to a project. I know renovations aren’t the most enjoyable process you’ll go through in your life but I firmly believe that when you purchase, you really should be looking at the inherent qualities of the apartment – the floor plan, the size, the natural light, the ceiling height, the protection of the view – as you can always renovate a bathroom or change light fixtures but you cannot physically move the apartment up 10 stories. Often apartments that do need a little love come with a discount as well and you are then able to put your own vision into the space, instead of paying for someone else’s. And often with these pristinely (and recently) done homes, not only are you paying an up-charge based upon what the seller put into the project, but you are going to forfeit other items on your wishlist for the turn-key nature so you have to ask if their renovation is worth it. Now some people need turn-key from a timing perspective or just *really* don’t want to do work, but don’t let that desire for brand-new allow you to overlook some inherent albatrosses with the apartment that may hinder your experience as a homeowner or effect your resale. Don’t fall prey to the herd mentality over properties that are super popular because of an aesthetic that is blinding buyers from being sensible and remembering that they need closets; if you’re open to even a little work, give the listings that have been on the market a look because sometimes they don’t show well and just needed someone to see their unearthed beauty.
Pictures online can be deceiving
For anyone who has looked at real estate in-person, there is just as much catfishing going on across Zillow as there is on Bumble and Hinge. Real estate photographers are notorious for comically amping up the natural light and are truly masters at photoshop, making the most homely properties shine. While some properties are truly stunning in real life and the editing is simply a light angelic haze over the space, others are borderline criminal and will have you visibly aghast upon walking into an apartment. So if you see an apartment online that looks PERFECT (and you also text me that in all-caps), don’t lock your rate and hire movers before seeing in person (or emotionally build up all these expectations in your head). A lot of times the photography is too good to be true and you want to give the property behind the picture a minute to shine in its un-photoshopped, live self.
The process takes a different amount of time for everyone
“Comparison of the thief of joy” is a good mantra to repeat to yourself when it seems like others are ahead of you or in a place you want to be yourself. For some people, they find their home on the first appointment out and they’re in-contract two weeks later. For other people it takes months, weeks, years. Parameters change, we comb through a wide range of neighborhoods, they *almost* make an offer a handful of times but decide to walk before doing so. They may look back at a lost property from the beginning of the search longingly in hindsight and it takes a while for them to move on from comparing every home to that home they lost. But eventually they will find a home they love and move forward. Sometimes it is entirely about the physical home but I do believe that more often than not, it’s about someone’s readiness to make a long-term commitment, market knowledge, comfort in being able to move forward with one thing and not get second thoughts, and their genuinely being at a place in their life where they are excited by the responsibility and permanence of it all. There’s not one buyer than is better than the other of those two camps; every journey to homeownership is unique and you cannot compare the length and challenges of your search to anyone else’s.
Often you have try out a few (or a lot of) different options to see what fits best
There are SO many options for homes out there. When you approach your search you have a multitude of different parameters and filters to consider, plus neighborhoods and even boroughs. Most people’s biggest limiting factor at the end of the day is the price (which often helps pare some of these parameters down) but usually they are open to a variety of options and need to see those in person to decide how they stack up. Yes, there are some people who come to the search knowing EXACTLY what they want, they only need to see a few options, then pick one from the bunch and contently go on to purchase said-property shortly after. Other people have an idea of what they want on paper but after seeing things in person, their previous convictions are challenged and they find themselves exploring other iterations of their wishlist, which sometimes lead to more questions than answers initially. Sometimes this exploration leads buyers eventually back to where they started, as seeing other options reaffirmed their initial instinct. Or sometimes they find themselves falling in love with something they didn’t expect just by being more open minded. Everyone’s search is different!
If things aren’t working out, sometimes you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your approach
What should be a (mostly) fun process can absolutely get defeating, frustrating, and disheartening at times if you can’t seem to find what you want, are losing out on properties/people, and all your friends and network seem to be easily making the jump. If you find yourself dreading the search and approaching it with a lens of negativity, it is entirely ok to take a step back and give yourself a second to breathe. Instead of banging your head against the wall, constantly refreshing Zillow, take a minute to sort out your feelings. Why are you frustrated? Why do you think things aren’t working out? Maybe it’s not the inventory but it’s your expectation of the inventory. You won’t miss much at all taking a week to sit with your thoughts and make tweaks to your outlook and possibly challenge yourself to open your mind a bit more.
Your personal timeline may change what options are available to you
If you are on an expedited timeline and need to find something in set period of time, you have to accept that you are working with the options out there. While new things are always coming to market, specific property types in certain locations and price ranges should always be roughly the same. If time is not on your side, you have to work with what’s available. The sooner you accept that, if timing is truly your priority, the easier it will be to emotionally commit to transacting.
Try to avoid idealizing the past
This has happened so many times to buyers of mine. They love a property and it checks all their boxes but they “want to see more” so they pass on it, even though I tell them there is no guarantee we will find this much of a surefire “yes!” again. Time goes by, they regret giving up that property, and then every property they do entertain they compare to the lost property, where it often pales in comparison. Over time, that lost property becomes more ideal and more perfect that it was when we first saw it; they tend to forget its issues, drawbacks, and imperfections instead allowing it to live as an amalgam of only its best qualities in their minds. This is honestly the most dangerous mentality a buyer (or dater) can take because you never give any other properties/people an honest chance when they’re competing against something that either never *really* existed or isn’t an option anymore.
Another issue we’re facing right now is the idealization of how low rates were in 2021. What people forget is that when rates drop prices tend to go up so while I know the carrying is higher, the ultimate price tag and degree to which you’ll have to bid over in some inevitable bidding war will be much more dramatic than you’re seeing for sticker price and competition at the moment. It is truly so hard to “beat” the real estate market – there’s usually a non-ideal with the market that is fixed to a monetary aspect. The *ONLY* market people won on rates and prices were when rates dropped at the end of 2020/early 2021 and people were still terrified of New York. Even then, inventory was super slim and mostly everything listed needed major work. I only say this because I know it’s really defeating looking at carrying costs now compared to 2021/2022 but kind of like with an ex or former flame, it’s so easy to be like “I wish rates were low again”. But people have conveniently forgotten that properties were going 20% over ask, all-cash, with financing contingencies having to be waived, and an offer of their first born child so it’s always a good reminder to think back to while rates were great, a lot of properties were unattainable due to ultimate price/bidding war.
Stop and breath for a minute when you’re really excited for a property
It is truly so easy to get swept up in the excitement of something new and promising where you completely toss logic and practicality out the window. The romance of bay windows can be truly intoxicating to the point where you unintentionally disregard that there are *literally* no closets in the apartment. The excitement is GREAT – we love excitement – and it’s usually a good sign that there is definitely promise in this property. However before you hastily make an offer and sprint to signed contracts, take a moment to let your logical brain go through the checklist: will I grow out of this in 5 years, are there closets, is there a spiral staircase I’m choosing to pretend isn’t there, does this coop have unhinged policies, etc, etc. If your due diligence unearths more red flags than not, then those bay windows should start to look a bit less sexy.
It’s a huge commitment, there’s no getting around that
Buying a property or committing to a relationship; both are HUGE milestones and undertakings and you have to be ready for it. You may think you want to make a commitment but unless you are fully emotionally ready to commit, you’ll always find something wrong with the property/person and a reason to turn the opportunity down. This is by no means saying to force yourself to commit before you’re ready; the lesson here is to be honest and kind to yourself as to what place you’re in as you don’t want to waste your own time or that of others if it just isn’t your time yet.
You need something/someone you can grow with and grow into…not out of
It’s impossible to say with certainty who you’ll or where you’ll be in 5/10/50 years. But the goal for a home or relationship commitment is to find something you’re comfortable in right now and you see yourself growing with and into as the years pass by. You may grow out of it sooner than you thought, which is fine/natural/happens to a lot of people. However this is the most abstract part of the “intentional” analysis of a real estate purchase because who knows who you’ll be! But there are structural aspects that can help you gauge ability to grow: closet space, actual size of the apartment, amount of natural light, bedroom size, ability to cohabitate with someone or have a child in the space, etc. It’s a more difficult mental gymnastics to play because it’s based on hypotheticals but it’s a very important one to attempt.
Once you’re off-the-market, it’s unhealthy to keep looking on the market with the idea of “what else could I have gotten” – unless you’re looking to move onto your next lol
Once you find something you like, you cannot get fixated on everything else popping up or what else you might miss out on in the future – looking at listings (or people) after you’re in-contract/have purchased and comparing them to what you did commit to is unfair because you’re solely looking at pictures online! Most of those pictures, mind you, have been photoshopped, curated, and are only showing the most most flattering parts of the property. Who knows what it actually looks like in-person, what the building interiors are like, what skeletons may be lurking in the building financials, and if it is priced below market and is actually going to go way over ask in a bidding war. You are setting yourself up for failure in not appreciating your own property. I am fully behind being aware of the market around you, especially if you’re looking to sell in the coming 1-2 years, but make sure you’re not by accident self-sabotaging by comparing the home you were very excited for against apartments you know nothing about aside from some sexy listing photos.
In short, “Staying subscribed to real estate alerts (after buying a home) is like staying on dating apps after you’ve got married.” Ouch but true!