Hmm…bourgeoisie rhymes with dairy-free.
Manifesto of the Nut-Based Dairy Alternatives
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A spectre is haunting Australian Cafes all over America – the spectre of nut milks.
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When ordering your no-foam latte remember: D stands for Dairy and Domestic Terrorism.
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Your social media network desperately wants to hear about your decision to drink only nut-milk. What really gets them amped are posts that are more dramatic than Nicolas Cage’s acting. But please make sure this doesn’t mean you post less about your political opinions and those heavily filtered pictures of your great grandmother that you dug up. People really love those. Also countless instagram stories of the outtakes from your recent instagram post. The people need to see the other angles.
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If confronted with only Milk, Non-Fat Milk, and Soy as options, avoid all eye contact and keep refreshing instagram until your heart rate returns to 60 bmp or you may come down with Ebola symptoms.
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Scream at Alexa.
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As we chart the plight of our people, remember that what was once pure and good in almond and coconut milks has been overthrown by the newly socially superior oat milk, which like every dynasty, will be superseded, predictably by hemp milk. Though be aware, our scriptures call for the totalitarianism of fennel seeds.
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Whenever someone brings up your 401(k), promptly buy another throw pillow or a molseskine notebook.
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The burden one must bear in the thrice daily $1 surcharge takes precedence over fixing frayed iPhone chargers. Remember that your parents would prefer to cosign for your apartment until you’re 45 than have you exposed to a lactose inferno.
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Assuming the only relationship one can have with Whole Foods is “abusive”, as a loyal follower do not be tempted by their dairy that has been apparently pasteurized with NSA standards. It doesn’t matter if Almond Breeze’s almonds were smuggled over the border of Syria – embrace your reality as the Pablo Escobar of nuts.
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Remember, you are a soul cycle champion.
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Burrata is not the same dairy as milk. Very different. Feel free to eat in large quantities.
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*Quick note to the Elliman IT department: ignore the strong uptick in “Karl Marx” and general Communism-based searches on my server in the last month. Actually, please broaden that to all of my Google searches.
And for things you don’t realize probably include butter/heavy cream:
Root & Bone‘s Drunken Deviled Eggs with picked beets, herbs, and root chips
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Seamore‘s Fish & Chips and Kale & Avocado Salad with walnuts, sweet potato, quinoa, and honey-apple vinaigrette
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Union Square Cafe‘s Rainbow Trout with winter farro salad, pistachios, and brown butter
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Sugarfish‘s Albacore Sushi
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Corcoron‘s Mera Mera Dip Soba (homemade soba noodle with Bonito flakes, spicy sesame based soup, minced chicken, bean sprout, bok choy, scallion, sesame, sesame chill oil) and Vegan Warm Sansai Soba (homemade soba with bamboo shoots, flowering fern, wood ear mushroom, simmered deep fried tofu, scallion, and deep fried tempura batter)
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The Butcher’s Daughter‘s Ab & J with house-made raw almond butter, sliced bananas & grape, and raw honey on toast
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Baba cool‘s Baba Bowl with roasted butternut squash, sauteed kale, pickled beets, rosemary mushrooms, sunflower seeds, wild rice, and green goddess dressing
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The Flower Shop‘s Baby Gem Salad with avocado green goddess dressing, shaved carrots, and flax
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Le Mercerie‘s Soft Boiled Egg with whipped cauliflower and tofu
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Sunday in Brooklyn‘s Havana Honey Bear with amaro montenegro, amontillado sherry, pineapple, line, and cumin honey