Five coffee scenes and dangerous levels of caffeine
I was once a Starbucks barista. Yes, as imagined, it was kind of a complete disaster. Highlights: I got in trouble for writing “Oprah” on my name tag, killed time by switching between writing “Voldemort” and “Tupac” on every other cup for a few days, once had 12 shots of espresso in 5 hours and actually thought I was going to die, lit a BEC on fire, and had someone pay me in fake money – correction, bunny money – exhibit A:
As my residual memories will manifest as eventual carpel tunnel from PSLs and PTSD from working the drive-through (e.g. once someone handed me a diaper to throw away), my one piece of advice from an ex-barista: when you ask for the “secret menu”, you can go die. Surprisingly, my love for coffee didn’t skip a beat after that one time I had heart palpitations and tunnel vision while making a frappuccino. Like most of you, if I don’t drink coffee, I turn into an evil narcoleptic monster with fainting goat syndrome. Since my friend Erin has me reading the Charles Manson book “Helter Skelter” and it’s been exacerbating my insomnia, I decided to run around to five of my favorite coffee shops and try having five cups of coffee in five hours. While writing this.
The only way to know your limits is to cross them.
This is so much prettier than I can ever hope to look at 7am.
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Starting at one of my favorite spots in Brooklyn, I went to Stone Fruit Espresso, the crown jewel of Bed Stuy. This space is your quintessential, adorable coffee shop that blends rustic charm with an ethereal garden feel. All the food is farm to table and the menu is creative and well executed. It’s 7am and I wake up hungry so I got a pretty killer avocado smash with a *side* pumpkin donut and a first coffee of the day benig an Americano. Stonefruit brews Counter Culture coffee, which (besides the coffee I had in Seattle) is my consistent favorite. It’s smooth, has very low acidity and is a easy cup of coffee. Right off the G at Bedford-Nostrand, this spot is a hike, but if you’re looking to hunker down for a few hours, it’s 100% worth the trek.
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Consciousness spirit animal:
Someone please carry me.
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For cup number 2, I headed to Williamsburg to Devocion, the undisputed most beautiful cafe interior in New York City. Built out of a former warehouse, the space showcases original bare brick and steel beams paired with a lush wall of vegetation, an open ceiling and rich leather furniture. While it is pretty legitimate that they roast their beans in house (which you can watch through floor to ceiling glass windows), I personally found my drip coffee to be a bit too acidic and left a bitter taste in my mouth. Takeaway: this is an inspiring spot to work from, surrounded by breathtaking aesthetics.
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Consciousness spirit animal:
This is livinggg.
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Getting back to Manhattan, the obvious choice for cup number 3 was my favorite haunt, the LES’ own Spreadhouse. Spreadhouse is such an eclectic and quirky space; it even secretly houses a film production company behind the psychedelic cabin in the back of the cafe. The cafe is a somewhat raw, open loft with minimalist, bohemian furniture and constantly solid beats, no matter how varied. The coffee here is super light and balanced, which was appreciated because I’m starting to shake typing this.
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Consciousness spirit animal:
Everythingisgoingquicklyinmyhead
a After cutting across town on the J, I went to FiDi’s underground gem, Voyager Espresso. The space kind of feels like you’re in a cool cross between a space ship, a (clean) holding cell, and a really nice school cafeteria kitchen. That is a horrible description. Their special here is some Breaking-bad-esque Build-your-own-latte with beakers and little potion bottles. Which is accurate because I feel like I’ve consumed an illegal amount of caffeine and am on the verge of being a destructive person. The espresso was actually fantastic and the presentation was solid Instagram fodder so A+, Voyager Espresso.
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Consciousness spirit animal:
I’m counting my pulse by feeling it my ears, oh dear God.
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The light at the end of this masochistic tunnel, I took the 1 (but probably could’ve flown at that point) to the West Village’s The ELK. Even though I wasn’t hungry (red flag), I googled how to counter act caffeine overdose and someone on Reddit recommended food and water so here’s to avocado toast numero duo, which was fab. I really didn’t want or need this coffee, but since I can write it off on my taxes as research WHY NOT. So the coffee here was very smooth and round, similar to Stone Fruit, and had a mocha feel to it. I was digging it. While quaint and definitely channeling West Coast vibes, I found the space is small, baristas to be pretentious and the limited space designated for laptops to be frustrating.
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Consciousness spirit animal:
I should/can/will run for President.
Another terrible idea. I went to the gym to try to get myself to a non-twitching state but got some weird vertigo doing box jumps, had the spins then had to go shower. I’m kind of worried this feeling will never go away – like those horror stories about the people who get hiccups they can’t shake for 40 years, yet still live *normal* lives. So picking my favorites:
Venue: The ambiance in Devocion is absolutely unbeatable.
Coffee: I’m a Counter Culture Coffee lover so Stone Fruit for the win
Music: The solid mix of genres – early 20’s sensual R&B followed by a Chet Falker/Rhye blend and closing out with killer oldies – crowns Spreadhouse king
Since I’m not sleeping tonight, I’m going to go memorize some nuggets of knowledge about Charles Manson and his terrifying cult for FIRE casual bar conversation starters. Byeee.
!!! fun facts !!!
1. Coffee is the second most traded commodity on earth
There are approximately 25 million farmers in over 50 countries involved in producing coffee. The number one commodity? Oil.
2. Coffee was the first food to be freeze-dried.
The process of freeze drying first started during World War II to preserve foods.
3. Coffee is actually a fruit.
Coffee beans as we know them are actually the pits of a cherry-like berry that are grown on bushes. It’s called a bean because of its resemblance to actual beans.
4. The world’s most expensive coffee is $600 a pound.
It comes from the feces of a Sumatran wild cat, the Luwak, who is unable to digest coffee beans. In the process of digesting the beans, they are fermented in the stomach. When excreted, they produce a smooth, chocolaty coffee.
5. You can overdose on coffee. (good to know)
You would need to drink over 100 cups to consume the lethal dose of caffeine.
