If Guy Fieri was Vegan and did a Taco Challenge
You know a friend is real if while they’re an avid meat eater, they’ll entertain a vegan taco tornado for you
Last year, my friends and I went to Oktoberfest in Munich, which can most lovingly be described as a massive meat hurricane. For 10 days, I existed solely on cheesy scrambled eggs, rotisserie chicken, and beer. It was estimated that we each ate between 10-20 chickens over the course of the vacation. I’ve never felt worse.
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At the same time I was trying to feel less like complete garbage, I read an article about Kyrie Irving’s vegan lifestyle. Preface: to bring everyone up to speed, I’m a die hard Celtics fan and have an irrational obsession with Kyrie Irving. Yes, I know Kyrie believes the earth is flat, which one could say compromises his sanity. But coming from someone with the hand eye coordination of Hellen Keller, if you’ve seen his handles, I don’t think his school of thought can be discounted.
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So ramming these two incongruent puzzle pieces together, I decided to make myself a complete pain in the ass to all of my friends and go vegan for a month. Since I can’t really cook, things were looking bleak once I realized 1) there’s a quota of how many avocados you should have in one day and 2) cutting out eggs meant 90% of my diet was off the table. Thank God I stumbled into Jajaja, a vegan Mexican spot 4 minutes from my place, where I now hold permanent residency at their take-out counter.
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So for all those people who are vegan more than one month a year and for more laudable reasons that a forced exorcism from buttered chicken and a suffocating infatuation with an NBA player, my friend Val* and I went to Jajaja one Sunday night to candidly review all of Jajaja‘s tacos:
*Val is an extremely passionate meat eater…and also an amazing friend for doing this
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Type of taco: Hijiki-Coconut Tentacle (lettuce cup, pico de mango, pineapple salsa, black lava sea salt)
What was it was pretending to be?
L: Octopus/Squid/Calamari/Crab
V: Calamari Taco…?
How it lived up to it…
L: This literally tasted like octopus. Completely mind blown. Wiccan shit.
V: It felt like the chef had spent four hours lathering up his annoying children at the Jersey Shore in Hawaiian Tropic sunscreen so they wouldn’t burn to death at the beach and then immediately prepared the tacos.
Describe the taco in three words
L: Spilled literally everywhere
V: Crunchy Sunscreen Fingers
If this taco was a character from the Office, who and why?
L: Creed, unexpectedly intriguing but a part of you is worried he may kill you.
V: Angela, You look at her and think, hey! She’s a decent looking, cute little blonde, maybe we could be friends? And then you find out she’s Angela.
Grade?
L: A very surprising A-
V: D
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Type of taco: Palm Carnitas (blueberry & flax seed tortilla, heart of palm, jackfruit, orange, salsa verde, micro cilantro)
What was it was pretending to be?
L: Meaty carnitas/pseudo-barbacoa
V: Shredded Carnitas tacos w/ salsa
How it lived up to it…
L: The most obvious THIS IS NOT REAL MEAT option on the menu
V: YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!!!! Stop trying to make heart of palm tacos meat tacos, you’ll never make them meat tacos – had the biggest presence on my slop pile.
Describe the taco in three words
L: Chewy, squishy, spongey…a dog toy
V: Untrustworthy Mush Pocket
If this taco was a character from the Office, who and why?
L: Phyllis, you know what you’re getting but also shows a slutty side when Bob Vance comes in the picture.
V: Toby, Enough Said.
Grade?
L: C, Alexa, what is heart of palm?
V: D-
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Type of taco: Buffalo Flower (tempura’d cauliflower, flax seed, shredded carrot, queso azul, celery, apple blossom)
What was it was pretending to be?
L: A mexican buff chix sub
V: Fried buff chick bite tacos
How it lived up to it…
L: Have you heard of buffalo popcorn shrimp? Yeah, there’s a reason why you haven’t…
V: The gateway drug of vegan tacos, felt like you were being healthy while one hundo ppppp ignoring the fact that they are deep fried and not healthy at all.
Describe the taco in three words
L: But why cucumbers?
V: Saucy Flower Bomb
If this taco was a character from the Office, who and why?
L: Karen Filippelli, had potential to be memorable but sadly fell short
V: Kelly Kapoor, funny and cute, but has a kick and you know too
Grade?
L: C+
V: A
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Type of taco: Chipotle Sweet Potato (turmeric tortilla, fermented bean, serrano, micro cilantro, scallion, pickled red pepper)
What was it was pretending to be?
L: A dumpster fire in a tortilla
V: A bag of jalapanos lit on fire
How it lived up to it…
L: I ate two pieces of sweet potato and went into anaphylactic shock.
V: Loved the potato aspect and the textures, but like, did the chef hate me? WHY YOU SO SPICY???
Describe the taco in three words
L: Instant forehead sweat
V: Angry Tater Torture
If this taco was a character from the Office, who and why?
L: Cathy Simms, Pam’s replacement. Just horrible and unnecessary for the series.
V: Andy, looks innocent, but then you find out he has major anger management problems.
Grade?
L: F, legitimately could not eat these
V: B
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Type of taco: Mezcal Mushroom (tomato & beet tortilla, red pepper, pico de gallo, sour cream)
What was it was pretending to be?
L: Vegetables that came out of the soil
V: A proud motherfu*kin mushroom taco
How it lived up to it…
L: This is the only thing at this restaurant that was allowed to be it’s naked self. This was the “free the nipple” of the tacos.
V: Here’s a taco who don’t need no man! She knows she’s made of mushrooms and is willing to scream it from the mountaintops.
Describe the taco in three words
L: Best-Shroom Since Toad
V: Sexual Shroomy Goodness
If this taco was a character from the Office, who and why?
L: Jan Levinson…because tan almost everywhere, Jan almost everywhere. Underatedly gave us the best story lines.
V: Michael, he may be quirky and not everyone’s a fan, but he’s himself true and true.
Grade?
L: A
V: A+
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Type of taco: Crispy Chayote Fish (hemp & flax seed battered chayote squash, chipotle almond butter, pickled red onion)
What was it was pretending to be?
L: Clearly a fish taco
V: Some mystery fish taco?
How it lived up to it…
L: Googling “what is a Chayote” because it sounds like a desert dog but this is the best taco of the bunch.
V: If you wear a pair of blindfolds while consuming or don’t make direct eye contact all should be ok.
Describe the taco in three words
L: Almond Butter Sauce
V: Fishy Nut Turd
If this taco was a character from the Office, who and why?
L: Jim, just so perfect. The ideal.
V: Kevin, you’re not quite sure how he was hired for the job, but you smile and be cordial to not hurt his feelings because he may or may not have mental problems.
Grade?
L: A+, I ate 6 of these in one sitting before and I couldn’t have been happier
V: C with a smiley face from the teacher so its not as harsh