The time we taste tested 5 whisk(e)ys
Ron Swanson, the man who poignantly stated that the Chuckie Cheese business model is better than our current government’s, once noted that, “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets” and Lagavulin Scotch Whisky is a “Nectar of the Gods.”
Whiskey was once solely reserved for grandfathers to drink while complaining; now millennials seem to live for this amber colored water, as Old Crow shots are for throwing up in dorm bathrooms, old fashioned’s are ordered in lieu of Red Bull anxiety attacks in a glass, and pickle backs are the root cause for our generations chronic inability to emotionally mature. Most notably, our generation has unearthed a large propensity of women who start drinking whiskey neat in their early twenties. I can name about 2,000 reasons why I made whiskey neat my drink of choice as a 23-year old young single woman trying to emotionally survive in New York but I’ll let your assumptions take over my explanations.
One of my closest friends Sam and I drank way too much tequila at my apartment a year ago and reviewed it. Our plan is to slowly cover all the spirits (I’ll be an actual fire hazard when we tackle vodka) so this month, we decided to go to my favorite whiskey bar and try out a handful of different whiskeys.
- Question 1: any residual thoughts on this bourbon?
- Question 2: what stage in your life do you see yourself enjoying this bourbon?
- Question 3: if drinking this was like taking a trip, where would you go and what would happen on said-trip?
- Question 4: what cheese would you pair this with?
- Q1: Sam – Pisssssssss. Liz – You know when you walk through the perfume section of a department store and your entire mouth is coated with thick old lady Chanel cologne?
- Q2: Sam – The time has passed. That time would’ve been when my brain cells were not developed enough to realize that this wasn’t real bourbon, I guess. Perhaps as a toddler. “Best for Babies”. Liz – Probably during the window in my life when I decorated my apartment with empty liquor bottles. Yes, I collected all the Smirnoffs of the rainbow.
- Q3: Sam – A shitty resort town where you are super pumped about how cheap the beer and hotel rooms are and then you realize that you’re slowly being poisoned and you got bedbugs. Liz – An exotic island in the dead of winter and you’re so excited about your new bathing suits but you get a 3rd degree sunburn day 1 & spend the next 5 says in the shade wearing a nightgown.
- Q4: Sam – Blue cheese, the only cheese that matches the atrociousness. Liz – Cottage cheese…“Just stick some pineapple in it and sell it to dieters. No one will notice that it tastes like slightly sour air.” -all cottage cheese marketing
- Q1: Sam – It made me feel like Ron Swanson. Liz – They could use this instead of formaldehyde to taxidermy animals.
- Q2: Sam – Late 70s, when the taste buds have eroded a bit and you need something strong in order to feel alive. Liz – During the monthly panic attack I have where I question all the things I’ve done in life that have lead me to that exact moment.
- Q3: Sam – An RV road trip to a Kentucky barn party where it takes you a little too long to understand how strong the moonshine was and you end up lost in the woods. Liz – This is like going home for the holidays any time our country is in the middle of a contentious election cycle.
- Q4: Sam – Sharp cheddar, cheddar is a cheese you just gotta get aggressive with. Liz – Asiago, not an everyday cheese but damnit when you need asiago, it’s like a golden plate falling from heaven.
- Q1: Sam – I can’t believe it’s not butter. Liz – You know the moment on The Office that Jim pops into the conference room and asks Pam if she’s free for dinner?
- Q2: Sam – I literally just bought it online in an act of unadulterated passion. Liz – I have two bottles in my apartment and drink this probably 4 times a week.
- Q3: Sam – Fly to Alaska, Airbnb a cabin in the woods, surrounded by my friends and fam around a campfire with blankets, someone hand-feeding me slices of top-notch steak. Liz – This is like going to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Universal Orlando and by accident going through a magical portal only to find out you’re actually a real wizard.
- Q4: Sam – Goat cheese, so thicc but so f*cking gentle. Liz – This is like being enveloped by a hug from a human sized wheel of brie.
- Q1: Sam – Ghost-like: did it even happen? Liz – When they say to drink 8 glasses of water a day, can this count towards the 8?
- Q2: Sam – When I have found my inner peace (unclear on if that will ever happen)…Liz – When I have kids, have to go to their soccer games, and responsibly should spike my coffee with something only *mildly boozy*…
- Q3: Sam – I would say that this is like a good shrooms trip. everything is just like…melting and delicate. Liz – This is like taking a 6-hour nap on your inner tube in the Lazy River.
- Q4: Sam – Swiss, because it’s fun to dip your tongue into. Liz – Provolone, never the star of the sandwich but caresses everything perfectly.
- Q1: Sam – Why did this one act as a springboard for us to move onto margaritas? Liz – This is like mezcal’s carcinogenic, chain smoking, bourbon brother…who is undeniably so sexy.
- Q2: Sam – Picture this: when I’ve succeeded in life and moved to Wyoming to stake out a commune and take up the cowgirl lifestyle for a while. Liz – When I’m 90 and my grandchildren gather around to ask what dating was like when I was in my 20s, I’ll chug half the bottle and give quite the monologue.
- Q3: Sam – White water rafting – mostly fun and smooth but you’re bound to have those moments that push you over the edge and make you wonder why you chose this. Liz – This is like going on a coal mine tour 300 feet into the ground with no dust mask on.
- Q4: Sam – Havarti. why the heck not? Liz – Gouda is the only cheese that can really slap deli meats around.
Instead of talking to other people, we kept facetiming our dads. See below for Sam’s father, who was drinking at a horse race in Kentucky and was oh-so proud of us:
!!! fun facts – Whiskey vs Whisky !!!
In case you were curious about the difference between whiskey and whisky… if the liquor originates in the United States or Ireland, it should be referred to as whiskey; Scottish, Canadian, and Japanese spirits are spelled whisky.Here’s a quick way to remember:
Countries that have E’s in their names (UnitEd StatEs and IrEland) spell it whiskey
Countries without E’s in their names (Canada, Scotland, and Japan) spell it whisky