Five Workouts in One Day – Eat a Michael Phelps Buffet
So this newsletter has let itself go. While I’m aware my Instagram has dangerously high cholesterol, I didn’t see the harm in this monthly monster becoming a manifestation of what I believe the food court in heaven looks like. Well this Christmas was a rude awakening, as a few members of my family confronted me about how this was becoming a bit…calorically dense…and to shake things up, maybe I should try not sticking a feeding tube in everyone inbox for one month.
Since I only function in extremes, we’re going to do the opposite. To set expectations: I’m fatally uncoordinated, cannot see well beyond 10 feet in front of me and refuse to wear contacts because people generally look better blurry, and am injury prone due to 19,000 miles on my legs and complete lack of “grace”. Since most stores are beginning to release their spring clothing lines and members of the silent majority are discovering how translucent and plush they are when the layers get pealed away, we’re going to attempt to tackle five different ways to workout in New York in one morning so you have options and I can eat like Michael Phelps. Here’s yet another wonderful idea…
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6am – 4 mile run on the East River
So my roommates were troopers and joined in on the first two activities. To start things off on a build-able base, we stuck with an easy four miler along the East River. We got to run past/with some rats, chat about nonsensical things and formed an intimidating spandex clad clique.
How much does it cost: $free99
How long does it take: Totally your call
How I liked it: I’ve been running since I was 8 so I’m biased but it’s the easiest, most cost efficient and one of the best forms of exercise out there. You actually can’t be on your phone as that makes you a legitimate hazard so it’s a solid time to check out from human interaction entirely.
Currently running on 2 cups of coffee and 90% of a box of Kashi, because cereal serving sizes are a joke.
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7:30am – Tonehouse Total Body
God, how do I describe this voluntary waterboarding. So it starts with a twelve minute nonstop circuit full of sprints, full speed jumping over things, moving burpies around said-things, and other mortal combat moves. This is followed by laps of these horrible things with sliders on your hands while running for your life with your derrière in the air. Then next you’re onto crazy box jumps while holding sand bags, military sleigh pulls, sprinting on rowing machines, battle ropes…and then rounds of gallops.
this isn’t a class to take lightly.
How much does it cost: $40 a class
How long does it take: 60 minutes
How I liked it: So yelp doesn’t lie…this is seriously the hardest class in New York. It’s like being in some underground fight club where quitting isn’t a choice and you just have to sweat/puke and drag your body to the finish. After, you experience the kind of exhaustion where it’s genuinely hard to focus on menial tasks and your body becomes a caloric vacuum. If you know technique, life is marginally easier and you probably will hurt yourself less. If you don’t fall into that category, the next morning you will feel like Leonardo DiCaprio post-bear attack in The Revenant.
I’m currently sitting at Hu, eating table spoons of almond butter, having difficulty typing because my forearms are so sore
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10:30am – Soul cycle in Flatiron
How an uncoordinated person “soul cycles”: first, easier to envision if you’ve been “clubbing” with me, let’s set a base line with the dance moves of a giant inflatable wacky waving tube man from car dealerships. Second add bicycle where your feet are locked in and you’re extremely close to the person next to you. Third, peddle as fast as you can, during which you’re expected to perform choreography from a Beyoncé video. Technique can be inferred either by mimicking the girl in the Lululemon get-up next to you or trying to hear anything besides Pitbull screaming. Fourth, Black out.
How much does it cost: $34 a class plus $3 shoe rentals
How long does it take: 45 minutes
How I liked it: Let’s preface this with two minor details: the instructor is actually a male model and Lucy Liu was in the class so I would classify myself as a “Peasant” in this fitness arena. There was a lot of towel waving and yelling; I fell into a confused panic at one point. It was like being at Hotel Chantalle at 3am – just as sweaty, dark, and loud – and I left feeling equally dehydrated and irrationally starving.
Eerily similar to the cult scene in Eyes Wide Shut…
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Pulse check at 11:30am:
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12pm – Firestarter at Equinox in Flatiron
So Equinox has this strange habit of giving classes intimidating and simultaneously vague titles and advertising them with naked, extremely attractive, glistening humans. This trend is continued with the new class, Firestarter, which they’re pushing right now with free Sweetgreen. It’s basically three 10 minute circuits that blend into each other with limited active recovery time in between. The only accessories needed are a step up box and a towel. I would say 80% of this class is a creative take on jumping.
How much does it cost: Free with Equinox membership
How long does it take: 30 minutes
How I liked it: So I really wasn’t feeling particularly wonderful at this point in the morning. I don’t think I’ve used my arms to support my body weight or jumped this much since I was an infant. The class itself, a far cry from Tonehouse, is actually solid for a quick 30 minute segment of your day to work actual muscles versus a 30 minute stroll on the recumbent bike. I kind of felt like I was doing Parkour: 101, which I’m not upset about. At all.
Me, in the Equinox shower trying to lift my arms to reach the bougie Kiel’s Conditioner.
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1pm – Bench pressing rotisserie chicken at Whole Foods in Union Square
I chickened out. Literally. I would give my first born for unlimited rotisserie chicken for the rest of my life but that’s a whole different issue.
How much does it cost: $8.99, but $2 off on Wednesdays
How long does it take: To eat? For me, shamelessly fast time.
How I liked it: Please. Rotisserie chicken is in my top three with Short Ribs and Bone-in Filet. It was chicken or Yoga. Obviously this is the only correct choice.
Me, trying to answer emails at 3pm:
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TBH I guess I can *kind of* see why Lance Armstrong did steroids
Conclusion: Tonehouse is the hardest class in NYC. Without a doubt. I definitely would not attempt that class unless you were prepared, but it was 100% worth the $40 for a solid, once-a-week…or-two slap in the face. On a budget conscious lifestyle, (biased opinion) running is a free yet great workout, no matter how you do it. Alone is great because you can be supremely antisocial or you can meet up with a number of groups (Nike Run Club, Orchard Street Runners, November Project, North Brooklyn Runners); they’re all free, supportive communities.
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Meanwhile, Liz at 7pm that night:
Next day update:
It hurts to do anything. Type. Stand. Sit. Breathe. Any movement in general. The only thing that doesn’t hurt is eating. Apparently I’ve neglected the muscles on my ribs and inner thighs for the past 28 years of my life.
!!! fun facts !!!
1. In 2015, Soul Cycle clocked 934,500 rides, 25,641 classes, and 10,378 rides per day.
2. An average man has enough energy in his fat stores to run non-stop for 3 days at 24km per hour (~15mph).
3. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson eats six-seven meals every single day, four of which contain eight ounces of cod.
4. Spotiy’s most popular songs in playlists with “workout” in the title were: “Panda” by Desiigner, “Til I Collapse” by Eminem, “One Dance” by Drake, “Jumpman” by Drake, and “Power” by Kanye
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