5 Gifts for Impossible People, 1 Store, 0 Causalities
As I can only assume, Black Friday to anyone outside the United States is best understood as the universally celebrated American tradition where people savagely trample others for cheap goods less than 12 hours after being thankful for everything they already have. I also can assume everyone thinks we drive gigantic cars, solely ingest entire tubs of ice cream when we’re upset and are either extremely muscular or criminally overweight. Well enjoy your baguettes, Europe, because we have 50 states that are all very different and don’t agree on really anything, yet we’re not at war with each other. Like some giant dysfunctional family that beats the shit out of, gossips about, holds grudges against, and publicly demonizes our own blood; yet when the chips are down, we drop everything and band together. So yes, while we may fist-fight over Furbies and run into Target at the crack of dawn on Black Friday like we’re trying to get the last helicopter out of Saigon, jokes on you because it’s more entertaining than any soccer game I’ve ever seen.
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This all being said, I hate shopping in crowds so Black Friday is a deep, dark pit of hell for me. It’s exactly like South Park, give or take three fatalities. I would rather have my knee caps broken then go through that gauntlet to save a few dollars on a marble cheeseboard that I then have to haul back to my apartment. I feel like every time I expose myself to crowds, I substantially lose faith in humanity and seriously think we should rethink our voting policies. So to save both of us the strife of the upcoming Inferno, for the second year in a row we’re going to hit STORY, the killer rotating concept store located in Chelsea, and try to find gifts for some of the harder hitting people in your life a bit ahead of time.
^To anyone fighting crowds on Friday, God Bless from my linen cocoon, as Amazon require zero human interaction and they ship everything for free. Seems easier.
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1. For your father who only asks for things from opposite sides of the spectrum: a Black Hawk Helicopter or half calf socks:
This levitating light bulb oozes “dad gift”. It’s a glorified toy with some excusable functionality, which he can all show off to his friends and they all will be entertained for 30+ seconds. Which is underratedly a feat.
Yer a wizard, dad!
Find it on Amazon.
^Kind reminder of what you’ve avoided
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2. For your friend’s under 3-year-old child who wouldn’t be able to differentiate you from a golden retriever:
People you know are having babies so, yet again, another opportunity to open your wallet for a human who won’t even know recognize or remember your existence for another 5-6 years. So get them a toy that is a least memorable. Definitely memory forming.
THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT ANIMALS ON AMAZON. You can literally ruin every creature in the Animal Kingdom for between $20-30.
^Kind reminder of what you’ve avoided
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3. For the white elephant potluck where the max is $15:
Newsflash, it’s not 1920. We all know you can’t even get both meat and avocado on a deli salad for under $15. So you don’t want to be the obvious asshole who hit up Duane Reade en route over – there’s nothing like a cheeky home-good to reinforce your toxic mindset.
Seltzer Goods makes some awesome and quirky house ware and you can find this directly on their site.
^Kind reminder of what you’ve avoided
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4. Did you just get a text, “Let’s do drinks tonight I have something for you!”:
I know, I would rather be waterboarded too than show up for a 1-on-1 where someone buys you a gift and you’re empty handed. But it’s an inevitable evil this time of year. Now I’m not saying to always have a giant Llama Duster on-hand…but it’s honestly the lesser of two evils.
Find this Llama Drama on Amazon.
^Kind reminder of what you’ve avoided
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5. For anyone who has seen Hamilton or complained that they haven’t seen Hamilton…so really everyone in your personal network: This is like Cards Against Humanity for nerds who still have a soul. So you’re not actually getting them actual Hamilton Tickets…if you found yourself disagreeing with that statement and have room for another friend, please respond to this email.
Find it on Amazon.
^Kind reminder of what you’ve avoided
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But honestly don’t make the mistake of actually shopping on Black Friday; it’s almost as unforgivable as the time I didn’t thoroughly think through my cranberry to turkey ratio on my Thanksgiving leftover sandwich.
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STORY is located at 144 10th Ave and is open 11am-8pm M-Sa, 11am-7pm Sunday
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Dad, I know you’re reading this and to get you excited you’re getting one of these:
A whisky advent calendar because #education