We’re going to Pumpkin Spice up your life
There comes a time when even the most sheltered children discover that Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny are simply their parents in disguise. I’m sorry to rip that scab off but spoiler alert: Pumpkin Spice is just cinnamon.
Pumpkin Spice is akin to Donald Trump; they’re both orange, literally everywhere and trying to dictate my life choices. October truly embodies Orange is the New Black, a phenomenon sparked by the Pumpkin Spice Latte, the ginger child of espresso beverages. McDonalds recently jumped on the bandwagon with Pumpkin Spiced French Fries, but I’m rooting for the seasonal underdogs; Ornamental Indian Corn, Autumn Wreath, and Vanilla Chai. Even though this 90 degree swamp has no end in sight according to Leonardo DiCaprio (I assume the Illumanti voted him the golden child for that cause since Brad Pitt’s moral compass ran a bit off course), I still feel drawn to throw on a flannel, conjure a Bed Bath & Beyond seance, wish death to all plants and OD on nutmeg. For sadly as a woman, I have two albatrosses I wear around my neck; Pumpkin Spice and Mean Girls. The truth is real pumpkin actually tastes pretty good, but we wouldn’t know anything about that, now would we.
This month, Dana, my friend Brianna and I embarked on a mission to eat 5 pumpkin flavored items around New York. It seemed much easier than 5 glasses of whiskey and forecasted to be a quick and hanger-over-less process. Wrong. I was so wrong. So here begins our journey of what happens when you eat 5 things that taste like a Glade Plug-in – for any burly man who thinks he’s above this, imagine eating 5 servings of McRibs and please sympathize better than you pretend to with childbirth.
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First we started off as healthy as possible with Hu Kitchen‘s Pumpkin Maca Parfait ($7.95), made of organic coconut milk, taro root, pumpkin, pure maple syrup, maca, grain-free almond butter granola, and organic coconut sugar. Hu is a mecca for squeaky clean eats; everything is paleo, gluten free, and unprocessed with a level of taste that is pretty remarkable too.
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Pumpkin Flavor:
8/10
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Level of pain my teeth were in eating it:
This is a legitimate pumpkin experience; not artificial, zero stinging sweetness.
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Healthiness – Friend or Foe:
Your “good karma” friend who has a compost bin
a
What fall accessory would this treat be:
Uggs; while ugly, they’re good for the soul, good for the body & worth being overpriced
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*Status*
I literally have to catch them all.
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Second we traipsed down to Oatmeals for their Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal ($4.25), made with Pumpkin purée swirl, pecans, brown sugar, and pumpkin spice. It is pretty but under that thin layer of fall facade lies a poorly proportioned mountain of bland oats. The only bigger let down I’ve endured was when Beyonce lip synced the National anthem. And every time I enter the Hamilton Lottery.
Pumpkin Flavor:
2/10
a
Level of pain my teeth were in:
The brown sugar definitely was a wake up call to my back molars but the rest was 90% oatmeal. So. Boring.
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Healthiness – Friend or Foe:
A fake friend who lies to you, bring nothing to the table and is a total snooze
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What fall accessory would this treat be:
Cream colored infinity scarves. They serve zero purpose, always get dirty from makeup/food, do-not-keep-you-warm, and are essentially poorly made neck braces
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*Status*
*self inserting IV drip*
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Third came the only real pumpkin on the list, Ruby’s Cafe Pumpkin Salad ($14), with roasted pumpkin, baby spinach, goat cheese, pine nuts, balsamic dressing + eggs & salmon because it’s always breakfast somewhere. Ruby’s Cafe is an adorable yet insanely busy Australian cafe on Mulberry in Nolita. We went during the Feast of San Gennaro and got molested by the smoke from an Italian Sausage vendor located right next to the restaurant. I smell like I used a giant turkey leg as a loofah.
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Pumpkin Flavor:
5/10; (-) heavily attributed to the (+) lox
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Level of pain my teeth were in:
Smoked Salmon literally can do no harm
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Healthiness – Friend or Foe:
Breakfast food is a friend that gives and never takes, unless you go to McDonald’s
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What fall accessory would this treat be:
A flannel shirt – yes everyone’s wearing them with zero intentions of lurking off into the back woods and roughing it; but they’re fashionable, cozy, and go with everything
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*Status*
You know when you’re grocery shopping and buy way too much then have to carry all your stuff home in flimsy paper bags? That.
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So fourth was an impromptu change of pace from Brianna, who steered us to Eileen’s Cheesecake for Pumpkin Cheese Cake ($3.50). Around since 1976, the bakery was Eileen’s way of honoring her mother and supporting her kids and for 40 years, she’s been pumping out ethereally light cheesecake in an insane range of flavors. They’re consistently ranked the creamiest and smoothest in the city and come in perfect single size portions.
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Pumpkin Flavor:
10/10 – Simone Biles of Pumpkin Spice
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Level of pain my teeth were in:
Strong but totally survivable
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Healthiness – Friend or Foe:
Foe BUT the personal serving size thou…
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What fall accessory would this treat be:
A fur vest – you don’t really NEED it but once you have it, you literally can’t wear it enough no matter how many bad looks you get from people with souls
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*Status*
I would sell my right arm for carnitas RN.
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Coming in strong at number five, we had to honor the autumn gods and get a traditional PSL, so we headed to one of the best in the city, 12 Corners, for their Pumpkin Pie Latte ($6). So the first sip was great; a completely welcome slap in the face of PSL goodness. 13 sips later, I felt like I was getting water boarded with pumpkin syrup and I was ready to sell my first born to have this over with.
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Pumpkin Flavor:
8/10
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Level of pain my teeth were in:
I couldn’t feel my teeth because my stomach felt like a Magic Bullet trying to puree glass
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Healthiness – Friend or Foe:
Delicious but my heart is palpitating, either from the sugar or the four shots of espresso
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What fall accessory would this treat be:
Girls love Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Girls also love Rain Boots. It does not need to be raining to wear said-boots and people need not to caffeinate when choosing a PSL. Yet they do it anyway…
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*Status*
I want to crawl in a hole and die.____________________________
Our favorites:
Brianna’s last minute decision of Eileen’s cheesecake was a gold medal move. Eileen’s is a complete hole in the wall and dirt cheap; extra points for the personal sized portion (Cheesecake Factory portions are irresponsible and should be illegal) and for being downright delicious. If you go here, be warned, you’ve opened Pandora’s Box.
Take away:
Today, we learned a valuable lesson as with most good things, you can overdose on Pumpkin. I feel extremely ill writing this. So ill that I want my primary care physician to write me a prescription for grass fed Kobe Beef because I pay my health insurance every month and seeing this is a self inflicted medical emergency, Blue Cross Blue Shield better accept Omaha Steak. The only thing I want for the next week is medium-rare filet and ice water; anything besides a cinnamon sugar laced gourd.
Today, I’d like to think that we saved a girl in Yoga pants.
!!! fun facts !!!
Starbucks has sold more than 200 million PSL’s. Coming in at $4 and 300 calories for a 12-ounce tall size, that’s $800 million dollars and 60 billion calories that we’ve spent and consumed. Someone find a way to channel this into fixing our national debt.
There is a medical term for the fear of turning into a pumpkin: apocolocynposis.
This is mainly a message for people who live in Brooklyn, own compost bins or purchase cold pressed juices for ingesting food not instagram fodder; it turns out that the Starbucks PSL can’t be made vegan. There was an extremely passionate petition that garnered over 9,000 signers to correct such a travesty. If that’s not a First World problem, I don’t know what is.
