Things I Learned after Playing Oregon Trail while Drinking Bourbon

I now realize why I knew what cholera was at the age of 6

oh god, what have I done…

I’ve been a bit swamped this month so since I have 9 hours to finish this newsletter, we’re going to have some Blanton’s, play Oregon Trail online, and reflect.

First and foremost, I made Tupac my Wagon Leader – in my alternative reality, he’s still living. Then I threw my parents and brother into the mix with me and Tupac for our wagon party. Thanks Oregon Trail, have me make an emotional connection to all members of my doomed party.

If I died first though, we would be starting over.

1. Went into this aiming to channel Jeff Bezos: honing in on problems and methodically producing strategies to eliminate those problems. Didn’t go any bit close to plan; dissolved into erratic, haphazard trial and error to keep Tupac alive.

2. Rick got exhausted. Come on, Rick. We were running out of food because people were eating like kings, then D.J. got the measles, a bandit stole an 2 oxen and our spare wheels, and Michelle died of a snake bite. I used to think the Medieval Era would be my last pick for time travel, but man, the 1800s sucked.

3. I am a different human in this game. Savagely mowing down Buffalo herds to maximum effectiveness, leaving thousands of pounds of meat I can’t carry to rot in the prairie sun. Put me behind the wheel of my Volvo though, and I would sooner hit a tree then a chipmunk on a suicide mission in the middle of the street.

4. Just realized a bullet costs 10 cents and a pound of food costs 20 cents. I’m no math whizz, but if you’re not averaging a half pound of food per bullet, you’re a moron. So ask how fun it was firing 10 times at a squirrel without actually hitting it.
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5. You have to cross a river that’s 9 feet deep and 637 feet wide. At age 6, how was I supposed to know what it meant to 1) ford the river 2) caulk the wagon. Quick That’s-So-Raven flashback, I did re-caulk the bathroom grout as a child.

*This was all a ruse to brainwash kids into manual labor.*
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6. You’ve killed 31,563 pounds of meat.

You were able to carry 7 back to the wagon.

And they wonder what happened to all of the buffalo

^OG Fortnite

7. “Only 3 people are dead”…..those were your children, you insensitive prick.

You learn that a high score can only happen if you select the farmer, purchase only oxen and ammo, set a “grueling” pace, and feeding your party “bare-bones” rations.

Oregon Trail: the original method of desensitization to death and human suffering
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8. Internal monologue with myself:

Damn, used all the f-ing bullets too and the next town is across water.

Should’ve saved those bullets to cross the river.

Rookie. Everyone knows you eat the bullets.

Eats bullets, dies of dysentery.

9.You know you’re in a rough patch when your Oregon Trail family is doing better than you are in modern times. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no 6-year old’s attention span that can logically handle this game. This is solely a shooting animals simulator. Fate is a cruel mistress while you’re on a road trip in an open air wagon in midwest weather.

10. Kids nowadays are coding and I was learning how to change a broken wheel axle, deal with the emotional hardship of 6 stolen oxen, and write an epitaph.

Who wins this one, guys.

Glass half full, tonight I solved the mystery we’ve all been curious about:

Since I starved my entire wagon party to death via grueling pace and space bar trigger finger, see below for things that are not foraged via pistol:

Because work has been wildin’ this month and I’ve been surviving solely on avocados, rice cakes, and the tacos from Jajaja, one of my best friends who is actually a human Yelp, @julesthemenace, valiantly offered her services and food travels: