Dealing With Strange Noises When You’re Home Alone
As it’s probably easy to infer, I have a slightly active imagination so as a child, I used to get really spooked by noises in our house when I was home alone. These whimsical perpetrators ranged from murderers in the woods, to aliens, to ghosts, to David Bowie from Labyrinth. Once when I was 16, I called the police because I heard something in the basement – 15 minutes and 10 cop cars later, things had unraveled to quite a scene; it was discovered to be a small box that fell from a shelf. I had barricaded the basement door and created a Panic Room out of a bathroom; still not ashamed. My cousins further abused my gullibility as one holiday, someone brought over an Ouija board, opening my house – and spongy mind – to the dark portal containing Nicolas Cage and the ghosts haunting our home.
So I was recently having an uplifting, morbid conversation about ghosts with someone and we were trying to think of where we would haunt; so if being a House Ghost at Hogwarts isn’t an option, here are some plan B’s:
1. Haunt a Jehovah’s Witness and keeping knocking on his/her door every 5 minutes
2. Haunt the paranormal activity shows, because if I can’t get on Survivor before I pass on to the other side, this gives me another shot at reality show fame
3. Haunt a family and communicate entirely by writing in blood on the wall. But it would be friendly and I would write helpful stuff:
“Dana called; said she’d be late for practice tomorrow”
“Adam don’t forget about your recital next week”
“Fluffy’s shots are due”
“Put eggs on the shopping list”
“Make macaroons for the bake sale Tuesday”
4. Whenever the person I was haunting was on the computer, I would open Internet Explorer and iTunes. Then continue to make Bing their default search engine. And then keep pressing Caps Lock
5. Haunt the Oval Office and pretend to be a past President; the current President couldn’t tell anyone because everyone would think he or she was crazy
6. Haunt Kanye West and scare the Yeezus out of him
After typing this up and looking through my camera roll which is a virtual garbage disposal, I think I just want to be the really plush ghost at Eataly who lurks by the artisanal cheeses and makes fun of tourists wearing True Religion jeans and Ed Hardy shirts. That or be reincarnated as the Lockness Monster. Or just haunt any of the below and poltergeist eggs at anyone who attempts to take pictures of their food.
Beggars can’t be choosers.
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Rubirosa‘s Vodka Pizza
Lalito‘s Roasted Yam & Granola Flax with millet, quinoa, pumpkin seeds, and Greek yogurt
De Maria‘s Fire Dragon Bowl with a
turmeric-poached egg, heirloom beans,
grains, avocado, and tarragon tahini
grains, avocado, and tarragon tahini
abcV‘s Wild Mushroom Poached Farm Eggs with shallots and herbs
The Good Sort‘s Rainbow Latte made with beetroot, blue algae, turmeric, coconut sugar, vanilla bean, black pepper, cayenne pepper, agave, and a blend of almond, coconut, and oak milk
Egg Shop‘s Bap with a sunny side up egg, grass-fed beef, sesame rice, avocado, cucumber, carrot, radish, scallion, egg shop chili paste, and cilantro
C&B‘s Chicken and Eggs with pulled chicken, homefries and a watercress salad
POST‘s Sausage Biscuit Sandwich with house made chicken sausage, egg and cheese
Popbar‘s Pistachio popGelato dipped in chocolate and rolled in pistachos
Fraunces Tavern‘s Potato Pancake with poached eggs and smoked salmon