Update: Mary Lee the Great White Shark

What this gentle giant has been up to…

This summer, there will be a lot Samantha’s, Jessica’s, Rachel’s, Emily’s and Mary Lee’s making the annual pilgrimage to the land where people trot on horses named Sir Edward McCullen; waving your credit card in the air three times in a row magically turns you into Paris Hilton; and during the Great Rosé Shortage of 2014, FEMA teamed up with the UN to air drop the sorely missed bougie vacation water to populations hit the hardest. Or at least that’s how I think history will remember our generation’s hardships. Getting back on track…one Mary Lee in particular is already out wading in the waters and is hungry for some fresh meat. No, she’s not a 5-foot-tall southern school sorority girl on a giant inflatable swan. This Mary Lee lurking pretty close to the shore is a 16-foot, 3,456-pound ankle biter, just looking to nibble on the legs of a ballsy, bicept-heavy bro in Chubbies.…or your regular cidiots (people who are utterly crippled by the inability to survive outside of the city).

Mary Lee has traveled more than 34,000 miles since she was first tagged off Cape Cod in September 2012.  She has taken a serious liking to the waters off Fire Island and the Hamptons, especially during prime summer season when getting on the LIRR at Penn Station is eerily similar to any lifeboat scene in Titanic. She was tagged with a device that sends a “ping” whenever her dorsal fin breaks the ocean surface and pinged dangerously close to the shores of Montauk recently. Hopefully she sticks around a bit longer and munches on a few bros so New York is more tolerable in the fall.  You may think you’re safe from the harmless, little orange dot bopping around google maps, but soon enough she’s going to hit Gowanus, go through some serious Animorph transformation due to the sewerage nightmare there…