Making Sense of Why I Felt the Need to Purchase 90% of the Things in My Apartment
Like water to oil, there is nothing more immiscible to dads than impractical purchases. It’s both the hill they refuse to get down from and their fatal kryptonite. Pitching the necessity of a designer handbag to a man who can fit his entire life into a pocket is like trying to get through airport security with an unconcealed flame thrower. Dads don’t even bother to disguise their silent cacophony of disdain and judgement emulating from every orifice of their being when forced to chaperone a nail salon visit. Bring a dad into TJMaxx and watch him begin to unravel fundamentally as he realizes positively nothing in the store qualifies as a bare necessity for basic survival. Tell a dad how much it costs to get your hair highlighted and watch him do rapid math in his head calculating how much loam he could buy for the lawn with your yearly hair upkeep allowance. This is all culminating to paint a picture for the listeners at home of the mental gymnastics my father did assessing my apartment in-person, wondering how I could possibly survive in any apocalyptic scenario and roughly how many years I had until until natural selection inevitably picked me off.