The hungry, disheveled woman from Beauty & the Beast.
Ugh, I bet they don’t even call it “Halloween” anymore; they’ll probably call it “Orange Day”. We collectively are raising a generation of bubble-wrapped children who dissolve into an amalgam of disoriented terror with the slightest sensation of wind. So let’s revisit Halloweens from our past, before the world was only written in Comic Sans, as apparently the serifs in Times New Roman are too intimidating
a
5 years old
Take all the candy you can while your parents drink straight vodka out of travel mugs to drown out the cacophonous, constant and shrill “TRICK OR TREAT”s
Wear a homemade costume with a turtleneck underneath and puffer coat over it
Binge on three pillow cases full of sugar and enough caramel apple lollipops to carpet your tongue with dense sugar residue
Scared by the all omniscient eyes of the seasonal mythical creatures who show up in your bedroom in the darkness if you haven’t been naughty
a
10 years old
Take candy from everyone but with a heightened awareness that everything has been enhanced with razor blades/injected drugs/poison
Wear a trendy tween pop culture costume, whose quality is a subconscious reflection of your socioeconomic standing
Binge on War Heads and Pop Rocks which probably do irreversible damage to your esophagus and the lining of your stomach
Scared by the choose-your-own-ending Goosebumps books
a
15 years old
Take Smirnoff ices from your parents fridge
Wear your masterpiece “How to Make A Realistic Avatar Costume in 98 Easy Steps.”
Binge on Chex Puppy Chow; it’s psychologically impossible to exhibit self control
Scared by cystic acne and at school dances when a grinding song would end and then you would hear the violin solo and K-Ci and JoJo’s smooth “baby, baby, baby (repeating) as you knew it was agonizing slow dance time
a
20 years old
Take 10 shots then hook yourself up to an IV of Jungle Juice with Everclear
Wear the uniform of a blue collar professional with 1/8th of the fabric traditionally used and the word “Adult” in front of it; or “Sexy” Pizza/Windmill/Lobster
Binge on literally everything in all states of consciousness, you dining hall dumpster
Scared by your GPA, running out of dining hall credits, your roommate being home
a
25 years old
Take a few fireball shots and settle into your *responsible* vodka sodas
Wear something Punny that won’t have parts of your bare skin/upper thighs touching the MTA seats; also, can all 20-something men dress as Gaston this year
Binge on $40 Seamless orders for yourself, justified by having to hit the delivery minimum
Scared by your credit card, health insurance plans, and your stagnant metabolism
a
30+ years old
Take a handful of dark chocolate almonds from the self serve section at whole foods when you’re picking up a few bottles of wine
Wear athleisure you can comfortably be bloated in because your body doesn’t react well to beer and sodium well anymore
Binge on $15 cold pressed kale juice to counteract/compliment the $15 craft cocktail
Scared by dying alone, couples costumes, being kicked off the family plan
a
After 20, we observe a rapid re-appropriation of calories from Reese’s Pieces to Natty Lite, the ultimately, to the below:
Devocion‘s Quinoa Arepa, a lovely open faced arepa with diced tomato, avocado and olive oil on a bed of some perfectly mild cheese
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Skinny Dennis‘ Willie’s Frozen Coffee
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Lalito‘s absolutely INSANE Vegan Caeser with cashew, nutritional yeast, and dulse breadcrumbs
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Win Son‘s Fried Eggplant with black vinegar, kefir cheese and spiced cashews
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Kiki’s Grilled Octopus
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Thursday Kitchen‘s Ms. Cutetini (soju, muddled cucumbers, bitters) and Lemonie Anne (soju, lemon squeeze, simple syrup)
Also known as: Adult Capri Suns
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abcV‘s Whole Roasted Cauliflower with turmeric-tahini and pistachios
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Rubirosa‘s Tye-Die Pizza with vodka, tomato, pesto and fresh mozzarella
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Loring Place‘s Cheddar Waffles & Eggs with smoked ham and cherry pepper hollandaise