Please Raise Your Hand If You Would Just Prefer an Arranged Marriage at This Point Congratulations! Some guy on Bumble swept you off your feet with the ever-romantic and grandiose display of chivalry, "We should hang out sometime."Do you accept this quest? A. You respond: "Sounds great, let me know when and where!" B. You respond: "I … [Read more...]

No, Our Substituting Your Selection of Totino's Pizza Rolls for Cauliflower Rice Wasn't Malicious but Yes, We're Just a Bit Concerned ^ me, staring at my screen while refreshing my browser, waiting for a delivery window to pop up For your privacy and protection, please confirm your identity by answering the following security … [Read more...]

Raise your hand if you feel like you've been locked in a cupboard under the stairs for the last 3 weeks. 1. "Inside, just visible, was a boy, fast asleep." a. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Chapter 1 b. City pigeons looking into most peoples' windows on weekdays at 10am right now 2. "The trouble is, humans do have a knack … [Read more...]

An Easy, Healthy, Affordable, Delicious, Re-heatable, and also Tastes-Good-Cold Recipe If you were not aware, the thing that millennials will be most famously remembered for will be the ability to turn any recession-causing, massive hysteria-creating, economy-crippling virus into an endless source of fatalistic humor in the form of memes. … [Read more...]

The Nine Circles of Hell ^me, at every wedding I've been to, 5 cocktails in, giving unprompted astrology advice to my entire table while we wait for entrees to be served First Circle (Limbo) Beyond the fact that you don't know a single other wedding guest and you didn't get a plus one, you realize you're at the clear reject table, … [Read more...]