The Nine Circles of Hell ^me, at every wedding I've been to, 5 cocktails in, giving unprompted astrology advice to my entire table while we wait for entrees to be served First Circle (Limbo) Beyond the fact that you don't know a single other wedding guest and you didn't get a plus one, you realize you're at the clear reject table, … [Read more...]

PSA: You're Always Judged for your Restaurant Recommendation Because a Tuesday can't be that terrible after a breakfast sandwich consisting of perfectly cooked soft, creamy cheesy scrambled eggs paired with a divine block of hash-brown bliss Whenever I'm walking around Manhattan midday on appointments or between showings, it always baffles … [Read more...]

More Mentally Stimulating Conundrums Than the Perplexing Heads-or-Tails Coin Toss Call 1. Fast & Furious 9 promos (+/- 12.5) Under (+ 120) Over (- 400) 2. Your mom's favorite commercial Kraft Foods (- 700) Microsoft (- 100) GoDaddy.com (+ 550) Carl Jr's (+ 800) 3. Your dad's favorite commercial Kraft … [Read more...]

Because self-awareness is the first step to self-improvement "She may think this is a water bottle" -my tequila bottles after the above occurs ^ "Has self control issues" -my fridge "Can't help but look down on her" -my ceiling "Has never once turned me on" -my crockpot "Always wants be on the bottom" -my weighted blanket "Is a … [Read more...]

SYLLABUS DECEMBER 2019 Instructors: The Matrons of the family Location: Your relative's home in the suburbs that's had no work done since 1992, notably including: the basement that still has the ping pong table and shag carpet memorializing the faint must of beer, driveway to see what Uncle Jerry wants to show you in his trunk, and … [Read more...]