Because self-awareness is the first step to self-improvement "She may think this is a water bottle" -my tequila bottles after the above occurs ^ "Has self control issues" -my fridge "Can't help but look down on her" -my ceiling "Has never once turned me on" -my crockpot "Always wants be on the bottom" -my weighted blanket "Is a … [Read more...]
FAMILY HOLIDAY DINNER 101
SYLLABUS DECEMBER 2019 Instructors: The Matrons of the family Location: Your relative's home in the suburbs that's had no work done since 1992, notably including: the basement that still has the ping pong table and shag carpet memorializing the faint must of beer, driveway to see what Uncle Jerry wants to show you in his trunk, and … [Read more...]
Eat Like Garbage Without Feeling Like Garbage
Vegan restaurants that will make you feel shame for ever making fun of vegans Much to the chagrin of my carnivorous family, I'm sadly one of those miserable dinner dates who doesn't eat meat. The circumstances behind the shift are admittedly odd and multifaceted. It all began when I went to Germany in 2017 for the Berlin Marathon and … [Read more...]
*prays* please give me a restaurant that looks like the inside of my mind
God: You do know there's more constructive goals you could be chasing... Halloween Costumes I Already Have Hanging In My Closet A disgruntled bridesmaidA poorman's Carrie BradshawAn almost-sexy Brawny Paper Towel manAn androgynous CVS sales associateMy father in 1976Lady Gaga and Elton John's Love ChildA young colonial boy, eager to serve … [Read more...]
I Will Never Look As Good As My Breakfast
Every New Yorker's Mantra To Stay Humble … [Read more...]
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